Pair Jokes / Recent Jokes
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day.
As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision.
After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves.
Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time.
The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up.
The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties.
The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note:
"This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings.
If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.
"These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past more...
Caught in the Act:
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:' Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.
Burning with anger, but thinking the husband could only dig himself deeper; she turned, and with ice in her voice, said:' FINE.'
'Well, on the bus home, I met this young girl. She looked poor and tired, so I offered her a ride from the transit station. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that old birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit more...
A pair of biologists are studying terns on a rock island just off the coast. While walking on a distant part of the island, they are shot at by a group of thugs operating a pot farm. This happens several times and the local law enforcement refuses to investigate. On their last day on the island they happen into a huge pile of harvested grass that has been set out to dry. Quickly they decide to set it on fire to pay the thugs back for shooting at them. The fire takes off and sends plumes of smoke into the sky. As they are running for their boat, they notice that the soaring birds are acting weird, spiraling out of control and crashing into the trees. The next day they read the headlines in the local paper: Pot Farm Burns - No Tern Left Unstoned.
A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road damage directly across the street from a house of prostitution. They witnessed a Protestant minister lurking about, then duck into the house. "Would ye look at that, Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads and continued working. A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one was looking. "Did ya see that, Darby?" Pat asked in shock and disbelief, "Is nothing holy to those Jewish rabbis? I just can`t understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. T`is a shame, I tell ya!" Not much later a third man, a Catholic priest, was seen lurking about the house, looking around to see if anyone was watching, then quietly sneaked in. "Oh no, Darby, more...
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
Donna arrived home from work early one day and found her husband, Glen, in bed with another woman. "That's it!" she shouted, "I'm leaving and I'm not coming back!" "Wait honey," Glen pleaded, "Can't you at least let me explain?" "Fine, let's hear your story," Donna replied. "Well, I was driving home when I saw this poor young lady sitting at the side of the road, barefoot, torn clothes, covered in mud and sobbing," explained Glen. "I immediately took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up. She got into the car and I brought her home. After she took a shower, I gave her a pair of the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the dress that I bought you last year that you never wore, the pair of shoes you bought but never used and even gave her some of the turkey you had in the refrigerator but didn't serve to me." "Then," Glen continued, "I showed her to the door and she thanked me. As more...
Become a Redneck in 25 Easy Steps: A Manual for Yuppies
Are you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream that you would one day become a redneck?
Have you always wanted to be a Bubba, but didn't know how?
Is there an inner Cletus inside that dapper and dignified image, just hollerin' to get out?
Well, now you can become the redneck you have always wanted to be!
Purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco and six cases of beer. That is all you will need to start!
Now follow the 25 easy guidelines in our manual!
Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE.
1) We assume you are a dignified, well-groomed yuppie executive; therefore, as you read this, it is also assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black dress shoes and silk socks, a $2,000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching more...