Parenthood Jokes / Recent Jokes

The String And Octopus Guide To Parenthood by Colin BowlesPreparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father. 1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local pharmacy, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time. 2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest more...

* My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

* My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

* My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL - "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

* My mother taught me LOGIC - "Because I said so, that's why."

* My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

* My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll' give' you something to cry about."

* My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

* My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

* My mother taught me about STAMINA - more...

A wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary and their three grown sons joined them for dinner. The old man was rather irritated when he discovered that none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the meal, he drew them aside.

"You're all grown men," he said, "and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married."

"What?" gasped one of the sons. "Do you mean to say we're all bastards?"

"Yes," snapped the old man, "and cheap ones, too!"

Planned Parenthood Issues Christmas Gift Certificates

Press release: "Looking for an unusual, yet practical gift this holiday season? Planned Parenthood of Indiana (PPIN) is now offering gift certificates for services or the recipient's choice of birth control method. The gift certificates are also a wonderful idea for that person in your life who puts everyone else first."





Except for that baby, of course.
So this holiday season, give the gift of death. After all, no time of year is too cheery to get some killing done. One wonders if Dr. Kevorkian is running any specials.

* My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

* My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

* My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"

* My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

* My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your father!"

* My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

Teacher: If you had 20 cents and you asked your granny for another 20 and your grandpa for 30, what would you have John?

John: 20 cents

Teacher: You don't know your arithmetic young man.

John: And you don't know my grandparents.

One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks.

Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why God sent you, Honey."

"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues.

"Yes, Sweetheart, he did."

"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?"

"Yes, Honey, all of them, too."

The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"