Parents Jokes / Recent Jokes

Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine
Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine

Then: Hoping for a BMW
Now: Hoping for a BM

Then: The Grateful Dead
Now: Dr. Kevorkian

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint

Then Mood Stones
Now: Kidney Stones

Then: Moving to California because it's cool
Now: Moving to California because it's warm

Then: Being called into the principal's office
Now: Storming into the principal's office

Then: Screw the system!
Now: System upgrade.

Then: Peace Sign
Now: Mercedes Logo

Then: Getting your head stoned
Now: Getting your headstone

Then:' 'The Making of the President''
Now: The making of the President

Then:' 'Going blind''
Now: REALLY going blind

Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair

Then: Father Knows Best
Now: Go ask your more...

A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby."Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

1. You can name everyone you graduated with
2. You get a whiff of manure and think of home
3. You know what 4-H is
4. You ever went to "headlight parties"
5. You used to drag "main"
6. You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour
7. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which ones won't
8. You ever went cow-tipping
9. You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but is the 'buyer' for all of the best parties
10. You have parties at the same guy's house
12. School gets cancelled for state sporting events
13. The town social events are their children's
14. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and, if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents, anyhow)
15. When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy smokes, you still had to go out to the country and more...

Rodney Dangerfield jokes

A girl phoned me the other day and said. ... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.

And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work. .... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy. ... Hey buddy. ... why are you doing that for? He said. ... Because you came home early.

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning. ... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My mother never breast fed more...

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

...This reminds me of something yesterday at work. A colleague was relating a conversation he had with his young daughter, just a bit over 2 years old. They were discussing geography and..."Where does mommy live?""Minneapolis.""Where does grandma live?""Baltimore.""Where does grandpa live?""Baltimore.""And where does daddy live?""At work!"Needless to say, he took the morning off that next day...

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.
Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her - how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.
When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."
The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to more...