Particularly Jokes / Recent Jokes

Occasionally, airline flight attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position.""There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 6 ways out of this airplane...""Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.""We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.""Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign more...

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."2. Pilot -- "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit
cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"5. After a particularly rough landing more...

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. From a southwest airlines employee: "there may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane."
2. Pilot: "folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "thank you for flying delta business express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "whoa, big fella. Whoa!"
5. After a more...

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. From a Southwest Airlines employee... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
2. Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
5. After a more...

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:1. From a Southwest Airlines employee... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."2. Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"5. After a particularly rough landing during more...

You might be a reneck if...

The make, model, and license plate number of your truck are obscured by a layer of mud.

You have got more bumper stickers than children.

Your wife has ever taken two pairs of shoes to a funeral: one pair to trudge thru the wet Georgia red clay between the house and the pickup, and the other pair to wear at the funeral.

You have ever been in a funeral where the flower truck was a pickup, particularly if it belonged to one of the family, more particularly if it was yours.

You have ever had to stop at a car wash on the way to a funeral to wash the dump dirt from the back of your pickup so you can use it as a flower truck.

Your clawfoot bathtub has ever been unusable because your wife was using it as a brooder.

Your clawfoot bathtub sometimes serves as a hospital for injured fowl.

You have ever come home and heard a ruckus in the bathroom. When you looked in, one of the more...

Easy code system to communicate with other cat owners and with the animal clinic.
Sex:
XFemale, spayed, no interest.
X+Female, spayed, but still interested.
X++Female, intact, but not particularly excitable.
X+++I am a kitten factory.
YMale, neutered, no interest.
Y+Male, neutered, but still interested.
Y++Male, intact, but not particularly excitable.
Y+++I would go through a burning building to get at a female in heat.
Size ("largeness"):
L-I fit easily into your shirt pocket.
L-I can curl up in two cupped hands.
L-I'm somewhere between kitten-sized and average.
LI'm average cat size, just right for your lap.
L+I'm starting to slip off the side of your lap.
L++I'm large enough to make a German Shepherd think twice.
L+++People sometimes mistake me for a mountain lion.
Weight:
W-I'm so thin that you can count my bones.
W-I'm slim, but healthy.
WI'm an average cat, not too thin and not too more...