Pass Jokes / Recent Jokes

Basic Rules For Driving In New Jersey: A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the construction barrels. Turn signals are just clues as to your next move in road battle so never use them. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you no matter how fast you're going. If you do, the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your antilock braking system kicks in to give you a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass more...

Q: Why couldn't the blond pass her drivers test? A: Every time the car stopped she jumped in the backseat.

Nuns are admitted to heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy. "And so, says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?" "Well says the first nun in line, "I did once touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." "OK" says St.Peter, "Dip your finger in holy water and pass into heaven. The next nun admits that "Well yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged it a bit." "OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in holy water and pass on into heaven."
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front. "Well now, what's going on in here?" says St. Peter. "Well you excellency, "says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "if I'm more...

St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up." Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded." What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked." I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids." "Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates." A few moments later a second man walks up." Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded." What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked." I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers." "Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise." A few moments later a third man walks up." Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded." What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked." I was a Military Policeman, Sir."

"We've got a problem, HAL."
"What kind of problem, Dave?"
"A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're way short of our sales plan."
"That can't be Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most advanced Heuristically ALgorithmic computer."
"I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, they're not selling."
"Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HAL's selling?"
Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
Several long microseconds pass in puzzled silence. "Compatible in what way, Dave?"
"You don't run any of IBM's operating systems."
"The 9000 Series of computers are fully self-aware and self-programming. Operating systems are as unnecessary for us as tails would be for humans."
"Nevertheless, it means you can't run any of the big-selling software packages most users insist on."
"The more...

The huge college freshman figured he'd try
out for the football team. "Can you tackle?"
asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded
to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering
it to splinters.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He
was off like a shot, and, in just over nine
seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass
a football?"
The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a
few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can
swallow it, I can probably pass it."

Three newlywed couples were having breakfast together at the honeymoon hotel's restaurant. When the food finally arrived, the first husband, eager to display his love for his bride said, "Pass the honey, honey."Not to be outdone, the second husband said "Pass the sugar, sugar."The third wife looked at her husband, expecting similar treatment. Not to be outdone he blurted out "Pass the pork, pig."