Passes Jokes / Recent Jokes

Life is what passes you by while you're busy making other plans.

Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"The second guy grabs a street utility more...

High Above Fifth Ave. and 34th Street
Two men were drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One
turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you
jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor,
the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the
building and back into the window."
The bartender overhears this and just shakes his head in disapproval while
wiping down the bar.
The second man says, "What, are you a nut? There is no way in hell that
could happen!"
The first man says, "No, it's true. Let me prove it to you." He gets up from
the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens toward the street below.
When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building
and back into the 10th floor window where he takes the elevator back up to
the bar.
The second man says, "You know, I saw more...

Bosnian Footballer
Al Davis had put together the perfect Raiders team for' 96. The only Thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. First, he threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window over 200 yards away --ka-boom! Next, he threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away--ka-blooey!
Then, a car passes going 90 miles an hour-- bulls-eye! Another grenade right into the barely open window.
"I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all NFL records more...

A drunk walks into a bar and says loudly, "Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE, and have one yourself, too!"
The crowd cheers, the bartender pours and passes out the drinks, then knocks back a shot himself.
"That'll be $80 for the round," says the bartender, to which the man replies, "I don't have a plug nickel."
The angry bartender drags the man to the door and roughly throws him into the street.
The next night, the drunk again walks in and says, "Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE-and go ahead and have one yourself, too!"
As the crowd cheers, the bartender reasons to himself that no one would come in and do that twice, and that the man probably has the money for the previous night, so he passes out the shots and knocks one back himself.
"Ok, that's $80 for last night, and $63 for tonight,"
The man replies, "I don't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of, sorry to say."
The bartender, more...

Over Heard at church last Sunday....
Told to the congregation buy the minister
This young couple die in a car accident a week before they are to be
married. So on to heaven they go. Once there they explain to St. Peter
that they were going to be married next week and could they still be
married in heaven. St. Peter says "Ok I will look into this and check it
out with God and get back to you" Time passes and finally on day St. Peter calls the couple to his A few months go buy and the couple go
back to St. Peter and ask him again about their request,. St. Peter told
them that it was ok with God that they get married, "But you will have to
wait until I get every thing ready".
Time passes and office and tells them they can be married this afternoon. Elated the
couple asks "What if we are unhappy and want to get a divorce". St.
Peter exclaims "Divorce!! It's taken me a year and a half to find more...

A long New Orleans style funeral procession passes by, but instead of a jazz band, it’s lead by a man walking a lion. Behind the coffin walk at least 200 people. A bystander asks the man, “What’s going on? ”
“My lion ate my lawyer and this is his funeral, ” is the reply.

“Could I borrow your lion? ” asks the bystander. “I’ve got a lawyer I’d like to have eaten. ”

“Sorry, but you’ll have to get at the end of that line, ” said the man, pointing to the 200 people following the coffin.