Patient Jokes / Recent Jokes

Patient: Hey, that tooth you pulled wasn't the one I wanted pulled. Dentist: Relax, I'm coming to it.

A mental patient was trying to hammer a nail in but had the nails head against the wall.
Despite obviously not getting very far, he persisted by hitting the sharp end.
Finally in disgust, he swore and threw down the hammer. At that point, another patient said: "Silly, that will never work. That nail is meant for the opposite wall..."

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to him.

At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling.

"I've been a little sick to my stomach," she replied.

"Well," said the older physician, "you've probably been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps."

As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly.

"You didn't even examine that woman," the younger doctor more...

Patient: I always see spots before my eyes. Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help? Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.

The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to
say. "Things don't look good." The only chance is a brain transplant. This
is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains
are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the
men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But
the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in
price between male brains and female brains?"
"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team.
"Women's brains have to be marked down because they have actually
been used."

Doctor to patient: You will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see any one before you die?
Patient: Yes. A good doctor.

Actual writings on hospital charts ("Actual"? Mmmm...)
She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared
The patient is tearful and crying constsntly. She also appears to be depressed
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993
Discharge status: Alive but without my permission
Healthy appearing decrepit 68 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful
The patient refused autopsy
The patient has no previous history of suicides
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the last 3 days
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch
She is numb from her toes down
While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and more...