Paul Jokes / Recent Jokes
MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic ChurchVATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion. With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates."We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."Through the more...
A lady was a huge Paul MCCartney fan and wanted a tattoo of him on the inside of her thigh. She went to the parlour and told the guy what she wanted. He says: "OK, take your skirt and underwear off and sit in the chair with your legs apart". She did that and he started on the tattoo. Pretty soon he's done, blows off the dust and admires his work." Who the heck's that?" she says." It's Paul McCartney", he replies." Doesn't look like him at all" says she. "Now get it right or I'll report you". So the tattooist starts on the other thigh. Really trying hard to do a better job. Finally he's done, blows off the dust and feels pretty good. The woman is pissed off "No way that's Paul Mccartney" she says." It bloody well is" says the man. "Listen I'll get a second opinion"He goes out of his store and grabs the first person he sees. The guy is a drunk who's been stumbling along the sidewalk. The tattooist drags the more...
Two guys are susposed to meet at 4: 30. Charley shows up at4: 30 and waits. Finally, at almost 5: 00, Paul shows up andCharley says, "Where have you been? You're a 1/2 hour late." Paul replies, "Sorry, I had to go to the dentist. My dick'sbeen hurting bad." Charley says, "If your dick's been hurting, why did you goto the dentist?" Paul answers, "Because I had a tooth stuck in it."
Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind dates door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. "Ill be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why dont you play with Rollo while youre waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, hell jump through." The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing. Just then Pauls date walked out. "Isnt Rollo the cutest, happiest dog youve ever seen?" "To tell the the truth," he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to me."
How offensive is that? Jesus has just been nailed to the cross and has begun to suffer from the wounds, A crowd has gathered to watch and sympathize with Him. As Jesus looks out over the gathering he calls to one of his apostle's. "Paul... Paul," He calls out. Paul hears his name and comes to the front of the gathering. "Yes Jesus, how may I serve you" he exclaims. Just then a guard comes up to Paul, cuts Paul's right arm off with his sword, and throws him back into the crowd, saying "No one is allowed to speak with the prisoner!" Jesus once again calls his name. "Paul. . . Paul", he calls. Paul, determined goes to the front of the gathering again. There he meets the same gaurd who this time cuts off the left arm, and both legs and throws him back into the crowd. Jesus yells out once again, "Paul,... Paul". Paul, who is now lying on his back on the ground attempts to roll to the front of the gathering. The guard seeing this more...
There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken.
It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?" In seconds, he chooses Paul.
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"
"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Paul replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally came down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both came from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?" In seconds, he chooses Paul. Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?" "I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies. "Your hands? What do you mean?" "Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"