Percy Jokes

The following is from the British paper, the Sunday Express, giving awards for dubious distinctions.
Tortoise Trophy - To British Rail, which solved the problem of lateness in the Intercity express train service by redefining "on time" to include trains arriving within one hour of schedule.
Rubber Cushion - To John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his haemorrhoid cream and glued his buttocks together.
Flying Cross - To Percy the pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft, having beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500-mile race, and was immediately eaten by a cat. Alas, a 90-minute delay resulting from finding his ID tag and handing it to officials, relegated Percy from first place to third.
Silver Bullet - To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhangiung rock, and was instantly killed when it fell on him.
Crimewatch Cup
Gold Star - To Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a stolen stereo. more...

Knock Knock
Who's there!
Percy!
Percy who?
Percy Vere and you'll succeed!

"Are you coming to the office Christmas party tomorrow night?" the young man asked his colleague.
"Well" replied his friend "I'd like to but I'm afraid I've got to stay home. My pet will become very anxious if I stay out late."
"Pet?" replied the young man "I didn't know you'd got one. What is it?"
"A centipede."
"A centipede? That's unusual" But that's no problem. Why don't you bring him with you?"
The colleague agreed and the young man said he would collect him from his home.
On the following evening the young man knocked his colleagues door and found him pacing up and down the hallway in an impatient manner.
"Ready for the Christmas party?"
"No I'm not" he replied.
"What's the problem?"
"I've been dressed for absolutely ages and Percy's still not ready".
"Percy?"
"Yes, my centipede. For goodness more...