Centipede Jokes

A snail, a slug and a centipede were spending a day together at the snail's house. It was decided that one of them should go out and get some drinks.

The snail said, "I can't go, it will take me all night." The slug said, "I could go, but if it rains, I haven't got anything to protect me."

With this, they both look at the centipede.

The centipede said, "Okay, okay, I'll go," and he walked out the door.

An hour passed and the centipede wasn't back yet. Another hour and still no sign of him. When another hour passed, the snail and the slug began to worry about the centipede and decided to go look for him.

When they opened the front door, they saw the centipede. They asked, "What are you doing?"

The centipede said, "I'm still putting my shoes on."

One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown. Then came the second half... First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five yard loss. The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other. "Who made that tackle?" asked the ant. "I did," said the centipede. Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five yard loss. Back in the huddle the flea asked, "Who made that great stop?" "I did," said the centipede. Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a ten yard loss. Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede, "Where were you in the first half?" The centipede replied, "Puttin' on my more...

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
The owner says, "How about a dog?"
The man replies, "A dog? That's so ordinary! And a dog can't do everything!"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it - a centipede!" The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything. But, okay... I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to it, "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed, polished, dried and put away. The countertops have been cleaned. The appliances are sparkling. The floor has been waxed.
He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Run down to the more...

One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown.
Then came the second half…
First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five yard loss.
The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other.
“Who made that tackle? ” asked the ant.
“I did, ” said the centipede.
Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five yard loss.
Back in the huddle the flea asked, “Who made that great stop? ” “I did, ” said the centipede.
Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a ten yard loss.
Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede, “Where were you in the first half? ”
The centipede replied, more...

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The owner says, "How about a dog?" The man replies, "Come on, a dog can't do everything."

The owner says "How about a cat?" The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"

The owner thinks for a minute. Then says, "I've got it! A centipede!" The man says, "Centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything but, ok. .. I'll try a centipede."

He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away. The countertops cleaned. The appliances sparkling. The floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.

He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room." Twenty more...