Perfect Jokes / Recent Jokes

A young man was walking through the park when he noticed an old man sitting on a bench, sobbing. He approached the old man and asked what was wrong.
"I'm 89 years old and I'm in love with a 25 year old woman," the old man sobbed.
"That doesn't sound like something to be crying about," the young man replied.
"You just couldn't understand," the old man said between the sobs and the sniffles. "Each morning before she heads out to work, we make passionate love. She comes home at lunchtime, we make love again and then she fixes me my favorite meal. When she gets a break in the afternoon, she rushes home and we have the best sex an old man could ever want. Then, at dinner time and all through the night, we make love."
"I still don't understand," said the young man. "It sounds like the perfect relationship to me. Why are you crying?"
Still sobbing, the old man replied through his tears, "I can't remember more...

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear perfectly again.
The elderly gentleman returned to the doctor's in a month for a final check on the new equipment. After some tests, the doctor proclaimed, "Your hearing is perfect!"
"Thank you for helping me," replied the elderly man.
"You're welcome," said the doctor. "Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
"Oh, I haven't told them yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations I used to miss," replied the elderly gentleman.
"Really?" questioned the doctor. "You must still be marveling at being able to hear again and just not ready to believe it yourself. That must be why you haven't told them."
"Well, no that's not it exactly, but I have changed my will more...

Bob stood over his tee sot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his backswing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what the hell is taking so long?" "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot." "Good lord!" his companion exlaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

Operating in stand-by mode.
Ought to have a warning label on his forehead.
Out there where the buses don’t run.
Outlet isn’t grounded.
Over the rainbow.
Overdue for reincarnation.
Overruns above 110 baud.
Paged/swapped out.
Paralyzed from the neck up.
Parents beat him with an ugly stick.
Parked his head and forgot where he left it.
Pedaling real fast, but not getting anywhere.
People around her are at risk of second hand idiocy.
Perfect chassis, bad driver.
Perfect face for Halloween.

The Perfect Dump - Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump - Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. It could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.
The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.
The Cable Dump - Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 more...

Witty remarks, relating to a variety of different topics.
A collection of insults!
Even your best friend cheats on you and lies to you, and that's the best friend you can get.
I don't think you are a fool. But then, what's my own humble opinion against thousands of others?
Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye.
People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect, but you are doing alright.
Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
The mind reader had a very busy day today reading minds. You were a vacation for him.
I thought of you all day today when I was at the zoo.
When you talk, other people get hoarse just listening.
I would say that you are barking up the wrong tree, but that is your natural voice.
I reprimanded my brother for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.
I'm very careful of how I express my more...

The Perfect Dump - Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.The Beer Dump - Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. It could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.The Cable Dump - Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 more...