Performing Jokes

A young doctor, doing his residency in OB/Gyn, felt embarrased while performing a female pelvic exam. To cover his embarrassment, he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
While he was performing this exam on a middle aged lady, she suddenly burst out laughing. This only furthered his embarrassment.
"Just what do you find so amusing, madam?" he snarled.
"I'm so sorry, doctor," she replied, "but the song you were whistling was... 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner'!"

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual
Yuletide celebration and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity
was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that
species of diminutive rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was
meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood-burning caloric
apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent
visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric
appellations is the honorific title of St. Nick.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual
hallucinations of variegated saccarinose fruit confections performing
choreography through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in
our nocturnal head-coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the
Arctic-like gloom when more...

A magician performing on cruise ship and each night while performing his pet parrot keeps saying "its up his sleeve" " its in his pocket". "its in his shoe". "in his pants" etc and the magician was loosing his patience. one night while performing his tricks the ships boilers blew and the ship sank, the lucky magician was able to grab onto a ships table and float on the sea for a few days. the parrot in the mean time seemed no plussed and was looking quizically at the magician for a few days whilst drifting. and on the 4th day the parrots looks at his master and says "I give up... what did you do with the ship?"

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is more...

A famous hypnotist was performing in a large auditorium full of students onenight. He began to speak in a soft and steady voice over the loud-speakersystem. "Listen to the sound of my voice...", he kept repeating, "the soundof my voice... every word is a command... the sound of my voice..." Prettysoon, he had every single student in the audience completely mesmerized, eachone hanging on his every word.Needing to take a quick piss, he announced "I will have to leave the stagefor a moment, but you will all remain in a trance while I am gone" And thenhe repeated the words "the sound of my voice... every word is a command." Ashe turned to go, he tripped over the microphone cord, landed on his butt, and yelled "SHIT!"