Person Jokes / Recent Jokes

You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick. You find humor in other people's stupidity. You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3: 20 and have summers free." You believe chocolate is a food group. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside. You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today. When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior. You have no life between August to June. When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking about a food group. You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce. You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak. You believe no one should be permitted to more...

The Law of Volunteering
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
The Law of Avoiding Oversell
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
The Law of Common Sense
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
The Law of Reality
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
Weiler's Law
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
Law of Probable Dispersal
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Law of Volunteer Labor
People are always available for work in the past tense.
Conway's Law
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
Iron Law of Distribution
Them that has, gets.
Law of Cybernetic Entomology
There is always one more bug.
Law of more...

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of dum blond jokes when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blond pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little fucker on your knee!"

- "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
- If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and drycleaners depressed?
- Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
- Why is it that if someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
- If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
- If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
- Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
- If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
- Just more...

Are You Feeling Stressed Out?
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.
Look. It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place.
What a pleasant surprise. You let them up... just for a quick breath... then plop!...back under they go...
You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.
There now... feeling better?
RAINY-web

Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy and what you watch on television.
Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing - which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree", you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture". You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control more...

A wife is a person who can look in the top drawer of a dresser and find a man's handkerchief that isn't there.