Pet Jokes / Recent Jokes
A person wanted a parrot who talked. Going to the pet store, this lover of talking parrots asked if there was a bird who was already speaking.
“Yes, ” the pet store owner said, “this bird has a vocabulary of about 1000 words plus 50 phrases guaranteed to fit most occasions. ”
The deal was made and the parrot was brought home complete with a cage. The next day the purchaser went back and said the parrot had yet to say a word.
“That’s to be expected, ” said the pet shop owner. “Try getting the bird a few of the toys that were here for the bird to use in the shop. It just needs to feel at home with you. ” Toys were purchased and a day went by. The parrot’s owner returned and said there still had been no talking.
“I see, ” said the pet shop owner. “Perhaps if you got a bird bath, the parrot would start to talk while using it. ” A bird bath was purchased and yet another day went by. The next day the owner was back with the same complaint. more...
A man passes a pet shop, hears a birdie singing. the man goes in, buys, shopkeeper is about to wrap the cage and man says'ik minut.. birdie has only one leg.'--- the birdie said' oye.. tenu gan vali chahi di ya nacchan vali?
A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot.
The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.
"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only $20.
"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks
"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity"
"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot".
So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.
Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman "Fuck me, a fucking new brothel and a fucking new madam"
"I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" says the woman indignantly, but she sees the funny side and let's it drop.
A little later the woman's more...
A guy brings a raccoon home, tells his wife it’s a pet. She asks, “Where are you going to keep it? ” He replies, “In the bedroom. ” “But what about that horrible nasty smell? ’, she asks. “fuck it, I got used to you, he will too! ! ”
A short elderly woman burst into a pet store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a good singer! I've got good, hard US cash, but I'm only paying for a good singer."
The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I've been in this business for forty years and the best singer I've ever heard is in that cage."
"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary, but it's got to be a singer."
By this point, the shop keeper was coming down the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" He placed the cage on the counter and the bird burst into melody after melody.
Awed, the woman murmured, "Why, he is a good singer." Suddenly she screamed, "Hey, this bird's only got one leg!"
The more...
A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she’s trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, “I’ve got just the thing for you madam. I’ll just get him. ”
With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. “This dog is a special dog, ” he tells her. “It is able to fly, ” he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop.
“There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say ‘my’, he’ll eat whatever you’ve mentioned. Watch. “My apple! ” The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced from his pocket.
“He’s cute, and so unusual. I’ll take him, ” she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her more...
15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians... Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo. No moth, no Jodie Foster -- just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks. Only 3 hits this month on the "World O' Coffins" web site. Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses. Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants... WHAMMO! Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of "the willies." Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims. Embalming fluid bottle looks an *awful* lot like Colt 45 bottle. Toe tag paper cuts. The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean. Nobody visits your booth at junior high "Career Days." Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs *us* money. At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy. Constant complaints of, "But he looks like Michael more...