Peter Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day while walking down the street a highly successful partner in a law firm was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself." Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an law firm partner make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman." Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind... I prefer to stay in Heaven", replied the woman." Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the law partner in an elevator and which slowly descended to the depths of Hell. When the doors opened, much to more...

St Peter is standing at heavens gate when a man walks up."Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?""I was a policeman," he responded."What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked."I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids.""Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."A few moments later a second man walks up."Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?""I was a policeman," he responded."What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked."I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers.""Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."A few moments later a third man walks up."Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?""I was a policeman," he responded."What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked."I was a Military Policeman, Sir.""Excellent my more...

One night, Peter was home watching TV when his wife entered the room and asked, "If I died, would you remarry?"
Peter thought for a second then said "Yeah I guess I would".
Then his the wife asked, "well would you have her as your golfing partner?"
Peter replied, "yep I probably would do that too".
"But surely you wouldn't give her my clubs?!", she cried.
Peter looked at her and said, "Nah, shes left handed."

Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gates Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective Heavenly Soul must answer three questions.
1. Name two days of the week that begin with T.
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What is God's first name?
Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered, 1. The two days of the week that begin with T are Today and Tomorrow 2. There are 12 seconds in a year. 3. God has two-first names and they are Andy and Howard."
Saint Peter said, "OK I'll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, your answer is acceptable. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why did you ever think that God's first name was either Andy or Howard?"
Forrest responded, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd,...""OK, I give in" said Saint Peter, but what about the more...

A teacher died and went to heaven. St. Peter welcomed her in and said he would show her to her place in heaven.

The first neighborhood was lovely. People were out on the park-like lawns, socializing, Bar-B-Q-ing, playing golf on a beautifully landscaped golf course, and having a fine time.

"Oh, this is wonderful", says the school teacher to St. Peter, "Is this where I'll be staying?"

"No, this is the doctors' area", replied St. Peter.

They continue the journey and come to another beautiful neighborhood. Again everyone is outside socializing. People are on tennis courts, swimming in pools.

"My, this IS paradise", gushed the teacher, "is this my neighborhood?"

"No, no, the teacher's area is next."

They move on among the clouds until they reach and equally beautiful neighborhood, but no one is outside. No one is visible anywhere and the houses appear to more...

Bill Clinton died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" asked St. Peter.
"It's me, St. Peter, Bill Clinton," Bill replied.
"Tell me what bad things you did on earth," instructed St. Peter.
Clinton pondered things for a moment and replied, "Well, I did smoke marijuana, but that shouldn't be held against me because I didn't inhale. I suppose I did have some affairs, but that shouldn't be held against me because no one called them affairs. I did lie, but I didn't commit perjury."
After several moments of deliberation, St. Peter replied, "OK, Mr. Clinton, here's what we're going to do. We are going to send you somewhere where it's very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell'. You will be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity'. Do not 'abandon all hope' upon entering, but don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over!"

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets Saint Peter himself. Saint Peter says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know." The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Peter, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." Saint Peter stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, Saint Peter is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?" Saint Peter says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new more...