Peter Jokes / Recent Jokes
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon
passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today,
why don't you let me show you around?"
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer.
St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room
and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they
come to a HUGE room full of clocks.
The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"
St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much
time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person
dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks
are going faster than others. He asks why is that?
St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds
his clock."
This also makes sense, so the guy more...
On a single day both Dolly Parton and Princess Di pass away. As they reach the gates of heaven, they can see St. Peter standing out front waiting for them, shaking his head. As they approach, St. Peter tells them, "Ladies, I`m sorry, but there just isn`t room for both of you in heaven right now, so I will only be able to take one of you. Seeing as you have both lived good lives and seem equally fit to enter the kingdom, you will have to tell me something that`s special about you."
Dolly Parton comes forward, pushing her breasts up with her hands. "Well," she says, "I`ve got THESE..." St. Peter looks at her and says, "Yes, those are very good. Very good indeed. But let`s see what Princess Di has to offer."
Princess Di just stands there, "I don`t think there`s anything special about me. I mean, I was next in line to become the queen of England..." St. Peter shakes his head, "That`s just not going to do it. more...
An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name. After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, “I’m sorry I wasn’t here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself. ” The accountant is perplexed. “I’ve tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome, ” he tells St. Peter. “It’s the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 123 and still looking so young, ” says St. Peter. The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, “123 years old? I don’t know what you mean. I’m only 40. ” St. Peter replies, “But that can’t be right - we’ve seen your time sheets! ”
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed. For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him thats bad. Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad. Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned. Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, Im trying to help. Now think!" The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hells Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I t hen went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat more...
Three nuns die and go to heaven. St. Peter is waiting for them at the gates of heaven and as they walk up he says "In order for you to get into heaven, you each have to answer one question." The nuns say ok and the first nun walks up.
St. Peter says "Who was the first man on Earth?"
The nun thinks for a little bit and finally says "that's easy, Adam." Bells ring, angels sing, doors fly open, nun walks in.
The second nun walks up and St. Peter says "Who was the first woman on Earth?"
The nun thinks for a little bit and says "That's easy, Eve." Bells ring, angels sing, doors fly open, nun walks in.
The third nun walks up and St. Peter says "Ok, what were the last words Eve said to Adam before Adam left the Garden of Eden?"
The nun, not having the slightest idea, thought for a long time and finally said "Boy, that's a hard one..."
Bells ring, more...
George looks like a golf pro in his designer outfit, but he slices his first drive deep into the woods. Rather than accept a penalty, George decides to try using an iron to get back on the fairway. But, his ball ricochets off a tree and strikes him on the forehead, killing him instantly.
When good old George arrives at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greets him. "You look like a golfer. Are you any good?" asked Saint Peter.
To which George replies, "I got here in two, didn't I?"