Physical Jokes / Recent Jokes
In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, we subjected the Hostess snack logs to the following experiments:
Exposure
A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during which time an inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie’s surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds, even pigeons, avoided this potential source of substance. Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained its original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was found to be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling however, retained its advertised “creaminess”
Radiation
A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for precisely 4 minutes - the approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20 seconds, the oven began to emit the more...
A draftee went in for his physical wearing a truss and with a little convincing acting got his papers marked M.E. for Medically Exempt. Afterward a friend borrowed the truss to wear for his physical. At the end of the examination the doctor stamped M.E. on his papers. "Does that mean I'm medically exempt?" he asked. "No," answered the doctor. "M.E. stands for Middle East. Anyone who can wear a truss upside down can certainly ride a camel."
ARIES WOMEN: Wildly sensual, passionate and adventurous. You'll have sex anywhere, you know what you want - intense and frequent sex, you have a need for complete control, but you're also in love with love. As a mate, you are ardent, loyal, sentimental, and earthly. Biggest thrill - the tickle of a man's facial fuzz.
ARIES MEN: Sleeping with him is like playing croquet with live bombs - you never know what is going to happen! Never expect him to wait for you to be ready - he will rip your clothes off if he is ready to go. Don't tease him or you'd better be ready to deliver. Fond of slave master games and he likes it rough. Aries men are also explorers, so be ready to go where no woman has gone before. His favourite position: a woman on her knees leaning forward.
TAURUS WOMEN: You expect your man to be kind and patient and make love to you by the book. Like to be pleased by sex, but don't look for unusual approaches. But you are a demanding lover and leave your more...
I thought I'd tack on a little humor. I've been far too quiet for far too long. This is really what the Mormons believe.
From the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints...
I'd thought you'd enjoy this.
Mormon Instructions on avoiding Masturbation
From a Guide to Mormon Youth
"Guide to Self-Control: Overcoming Masturbation."
Enlist The Power Of Prayer
Pray daily, ask for the gifts of the Spirit, that which will strengthen you against temptation.
Pray fervently and out loud when the temptations are the strongest.
When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell "Stop!" to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind. Then recite a portion of the Bible or sing a hymn.
Exercise Vigorously
Follow a program of vigorous daily exercise, which reduce emotional tension and depression.
Double your physical activity when you feel stress increasing.
Set Goals
Set a goal of abstinence. Begin with a day, then a more...