Physicist Jokes / Recent Jokes

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on this side of the road.

Physicists do it a quantum at a time.
Physicists do it at the speed of light.
Cosmologists do it in the first three minutes.
Mathematical physicists understand the theory of how to do it, but have difficulty obtaining practical results.
Quantum physicists can either know how fast they do it, or where they do it, but not both.
Particle physicists do it energetically.
Particle physicists to it with charm.
Aerodynamicists do it in drag.
Astrophysicists do it with a Big Bang.
Astronomers do it all night.
Astronomers do it in clusters.
Astronomers do it on mountain tops.
Astronomers do it with white dwarfs and red giants.

How many physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
Eleven. One to do it and ten to co-author the paper.

How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, astronomers prefer the dark.

How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel while
attending a technical seminar.
The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a
fire, so he fills a trash can from his room with water and douses the fire. He
goes back to bed.
Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a
fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating
the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the
fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.
Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees
the fire and then the fire hose. He exclaims, "Ah, a solution exists!" and then
goes back to bed.

How many general relativists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One holds the bulb, while the other rotates the universe.