Picard Jokes / Recent Jokes
The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has
encountered several times before.
The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists, who
are all perfectly all right.
The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called Paradise,
where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon revealed
to be exactly as it seems.
The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later
turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a silly hat.
The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for
which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay.
An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to
the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to
bring the right leads.
A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a
faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent more...
Picard "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?" Geordi "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology." Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen. Riker looks puzzled. "What in the world is' Microsoft'?" Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called' Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate." Picard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?" Data "Yes, Captain. But when' Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an' upgrade'. The use of resources increases more...
Picard: "Data... I understand that you have installed the latest version of Windows 95 into your positronic brain. Was this wise to do?"Data: "I am functioning within normal parameters."Picard: "Fine... Please calculate the success percentage of our latest mission."Data: "Yes, sir."(5 minutes later)Picard: "Mister Data... I asked you for that percentage."Data: "I am performing the task you have ordered, sir."Picard: "Well then... what's taking so long?"Data: "I no longer function at the speed levels I used to, sir. However, I am much cheaper to upgrade."Picard: "Are you saying that you sacrificed what you had before to change to this new system? That's MAD! Why did you do this?"Data: "The sales-people at Microsoft were very convincing, sir."Picard: "I hope that you at least have a backup!!"Data: "Yes, sir. Is that really necessary, sir?"Picard: "Well, of course more...
TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE STAR WARS CHARACTERS WOULD KICK BUTT IN THE STAR TREK UNIVERSE
10) In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "STUN."
9) The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp. The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.
8) After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable. After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.
7) One word: Lightsabers.
6) Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
5) The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.
4) Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.
3) Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
2) The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named "SlaveI."
1) Picard pilots the more...
TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE STAR WARS CHARACTERS WOULD KICK BUTT IN THE STAR TREK UNIVERSE10) In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "STUN."9) The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp. The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.8) After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable. After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.7) One word: Lightsabers.6) Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.5) The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.4) Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.3) Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.2) The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named "SlaveI."1) Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse more...
Combination paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk
The ball in Parisis' Squares
Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft
Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet
Scare blind students in Braille class
Prop open doors for maintenance crews
Lawn decoration in Arboreteum
Footstool for Captain's chair
Entertaining kids in day care puppet show
Scare Alexander into doing chores
Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift
Decorative air filter in Picard's fish tank
Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get "ahead" in research.
Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards
Two words: tether ball
Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking
Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet
Donate to Starfleet Academy to be head of the class
Use as nutcracker at Christmastime
Prove to insurance company he died so crew can collect on his life insurance policy
Combination paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk.
The ball in Parisis' Squares.
Hood ornament for shuttlecraft.
Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet.
Scare blind students in Braille class.
Prop open doors for maintainence crews.
Lawn decoration in Arboreteum.
Footstool for Captain's chair.
Entertaining kids in day care puppet show.
Scare Alexander into doing chores.
Send to doctor that killed Crystalline Entity as gag gift.
Decorative air filter in Picard's fish tank.
Send to Starfleet Android Research Center, so they can "get a head" in research.
Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards.
Two words: tether ball!
Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking.
Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet.
Donate to Starfleet Academy to be "Head of the Class."
Use as nutcracker at Christmas time.
And the number one use for Data's detatchable head...
Prove to insurance company he died so crew can collect on more...