Pick Jokes / Recent Jokes

YOU KNOW YOU'RE DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN. .

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you

You ski uphill

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked

You speed walk in your sleep

You have a bumper sticker that says:' Coffee drinkers are good in the sack.' You answer the door before people knock

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse

You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth

You sleep with your eyes open

You have to watch videos in fast-forward

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer

You lick your coffeepot clean

You spend every vacation visiting' Maxwell House.' You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work more...

1. Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
2. The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down (used by the guy who used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused:
Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."
3. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
4.Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator."
5. Q: What sign were you born under?
A: No Parking.
6. After hearing a pick-up line:
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
7. A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her more...

Have some fun on your next shopping trip, try these... Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like, "Pick Me!! Pick Me!!"Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme to "Mission Impossible". When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "NO, NO! It's those voices again!"Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out. Look right into the security cameras, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?" Set up a tent in the Camping Department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bed and Bath aisle. Re-dress mannequins as you see fit. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares." Make a trail of orange juice on the more...

One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor.
He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him!"

1. Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
2. The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down (used by the guy who used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused:
Man: "Want to Dance?" Woman: "No, thank you." Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."
3. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
4.Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "Female impersonator."
5. Q: What sign were you born under?
A: No Parking.
6. After hearing a pick-up line: Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
7. A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in more...

It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining of their lot in life. There was an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen. The elephant complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS TRUNK YOU have given me. It gets in the way, and makes me look like a total fool!" The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick up food, drink, and water without getting wet!"
Next the giraffe complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS LONG NECK! It makes me top heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people point and laugh at me!" The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves from the high branches, and allows you to see a fair distance."
Then the hen spoke up. "Lord, I don't want to complain, but either let me have a bigger ass or smaller eggs."

What sort of an act do you do? I bend over backwards and pick up a handkerchief with my teeth. Anything else? Then I bend over backwards and pick up my teeth.