Pickup Jokes / Recent Jokes
Guy: Do you have a map?
Girl: No, why do you ask?
Guy: Because I think I just got lost in your eyes.
Man: (to woman) I'd buy you a drink but I'd be jealous of the glass.
If I had a rose for every time I thought of you we would be walking through a never-ending garden!
Man: Do you know C.P.R?
Woman: No why?
Man: Because you just took my breath away!
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the more...
Every day, we are assaulted by stories of stupid people -- many of whom use their stupidity for personal gain. From time to time, though, we hear of those who strive to achieve new levels of stupidity *while* also breaking the law. To these brave men and women -- ooops, "women and men" -- we present the highest possible honor: entry into the "Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame."
Following are their accounts. .
Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, more...
A marine is sitting at the bar and a striking redhead sits down next to him. He gives her a cursory look, smiles and continues to nurse his beer. Five minutes later he glances at his watch and the redhead - wondering why she had not been hit upon - asked, "Are you waiting for your girlfriend!" "No," he responded. "This is not merely a watch. It is a sensory pickup and I can tell things about other people, like... well, the fact that you're not wearing panties!" The redhead smiled and said, "Well, you had best get it fixed because I am wearing panties!" The marine looked at his watch and replied, "Hmmmm! It seems to be running about an hour fast!"