Picture Jokes / Recent Jokes

A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry.
Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky.
The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Ricky

Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. The good news is that he will never remember to plug it in, and it will run out of juice eventually. Think of his cordless drill collection equally as important to him as your shoe & purse collection.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Buying him a socket and ratchet set is kind of like you having multiple orgasms every time you see a picture of Leonardo Di Caprio Again.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men more...

Hubby: "You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?"
Wife: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Hubby: "You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Wife: "Yes, I see your picture and say to myself - What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
Wife: "You're gonna be really sorry! I'm going to LEAVE you!"
Hubby: "Make up your mind! Which one is it gonna be?"

On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "my dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture." Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?" He answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever". She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "why do you wear a robe? We are married now." at that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks, "why?" She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED"!

What's the latest dope -- besides you?

I heard that they tried to take an X-ray picture of your jaw, but all they got was a moving picture.

You don't believe in being artificial. You want people to hate you for yourself.

When people cut their fingers you cry over it just so that you can get salt in the wound.

Hey, I heard you went to the butcher and asked for 10 cents worth of dog meat and he asked you if you wanted it wrapped or if you would eat it on the spot.

If I said anything to you that I should be sorry for, I'm glad.

You were born because your mother didn't believe in abortion; now she believes in infanticide.

I admire you because I've never had the courage it takes to be a liar, a thief, and a cheat.

You're acquitting yourself in such a way that no jury ever would.

You have a face only a mother could love -- and she hates it!

You never strike out blindly; you fail in more...

My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children:
The First Step
First child: My wife grabbed the camera; I grabbed the video camera. My wife took four rolls of film. We immediately ran out to the one-hour developing place and had all four rolls developed with double prints. We had the best picture blown up to 24" x 36" and framed. We hung it up in the entry hall. I had a professional studio turn the four hours of video I taped into a one-hour documentary complete with voice-over by a local anchor-man.
Second child: We took one roll of film and five minutes worth of video. The next day we took the film and had it developed by a twenty-four hour developing center. I took the best picture and put it into my wallet.
Third child: We couldn't find the video camera and we only had five shots left on the roll of film. We took all five shots but I more...

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"