Piece Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him up at 5: 00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5: 00 AM. " He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9: 00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5: 00 AM, Wake up."

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "Thats a good piece of fir." "Correct, says the manager, now try this one." "Thats a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager. With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused, says the blind man, Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, youre trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. Its the shit house more...

The special order
Abraham, an old Jewish immigrant, is a cloth merchant. He lives in London next door to Craig, the biggest Anti-Semite in town. One day Craig calls up Abraham and says, "Hey Jew. I want to buy a piece of orange cloth. The length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered tomorrow."
Abe says "OK."
The next morning Craig is awoken at 7am by the sound of lorries. He runs outside to see dozens of lorries dumping load after load of orange cloth in his front garden. Soon the front of his house is a sea of orange cloth 5 feet deep. Abe then presents Craig with a bill for £12,000.
Craig starts yelling and screaming at Abe. "Jew, what are you doing to me? I asked you for a piece of cloth from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this place. What do you have to say for yourself?"
Abe replies, "The tip of my penis is in Poland."

There was a little piece of Jewish cheese
and when he gave a big Jewish sneeze
he fell over and couldnt get back up
Then one day he saw a piece of Jewish clay
and deseided to make himself Jewish legs
when he was done he went to John
and said Im not finished

Woman who go to man's apartment for snack, gets tit-bit. Man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth. Man who gets kicked in balls, left holding the bag. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face. Passionate kiss like spider web. .. lead to undoing of fly. Man with hole in pocket, feel cocky all day. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night. Virginity like balloon. .. one prick, all gone. Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town. Man who farts in church, sits in own pew. Baseball all wrong. .. man with four balls no can walk. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing. Man with penis in peanut butter jar is fucking nuts. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent. Woman who fly upside down, have crack up. Man who go to bed with question of sex on mind wake up with more...

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.
Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"
Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"
Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."
Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"

13. Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently.
14. As the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"
15. When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say anything: make him wonder.
16. If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.
17. Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.
18. During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the more...