Pilot Jokes / Recent Jokes

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I more...

A pilot and his four passengers were on an airplane that was about to crash. The four passengers were Michael Jordan, Bill Clinton, a hippie, and old man. Unfortunately, there were only four parachutes on the plane.
The pilot yelled, "I'm the pilot!" and jumped off with one of the parachutes.
Michael Jordan said, "I'm the world's greatest athlete!" and jumped off with another parachute.
Bill Clinton said, "I am the world's smartest man!" and jumped out of the plane. This left the hippie and the old man alone in the rapidly-descending airplane.
"I'm old," said the old man, "so you can have the last parachute."
"Nah, that's okay, man," the hippie said. "The world's smartest man just jumped out with my backpack."

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don't forget the coffee!"

There was a fundraising event being held in the local RSA by the local Women's Auxiliary, and the organisers had arranged for Ireland's most decorated WWII pilot to speak to the assembled ladies.

He started telling the story of a mission over France and how they were being strafed by German fire.

" I looked out in front of me" he said " and there was three fokkers in front, and then I looked behind me, and there was three fokkers behind me, and then I looked above me, and there was two fokkers above, and then I looked below me, and there was four fokkers below"

Just then the organiser, thinking that the ladies might misunderstand, and assume the ex-pilot was swearing jumped up and said "For all those who don't know, the Fokker was a plane used by the Germans during the war"

and the Irish pilot said "Yeah, but these Fokkers were Messerschmidts"

You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to the person who did the
gene pool the biggest service by killing/injuring themselves in the most extraordinarily
stupid way.
The 1995 winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top
of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
In 1996 the winner was an air force sergeant who attached a JATO (rocket) unit to his car
and crashed into a cliff several hundred feet above the roadbed.
And now, the 1997 winner: Larry Waters of Los Angeles -- one of the few Darwin winners to
survive his award-winning accomplishment. Larry's boyhood dream was to fly. When he
graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot.
Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally discharged, he had to
satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his backyard.
One day, Larry, had a bright idea. He more...

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. Because when it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed more...

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the
air force. (Joke best delivered with a good thick accent)
"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong
air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and
suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.
(At this point, several of the children giggle.)
I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him
down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker
behind me."
At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh.
The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that' Fokker' was the
name of the German-Dutch aircraft company"
"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."