Pilot Jokes / Recent Jokes

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday
when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the
aircraft`s electronic navigation and communications
equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could
not determine the helicopter`s position and course to
steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled,
drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the
helicopter`s window. The pilot`s sign said
"WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the
aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a
building window.
Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined
the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the
pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER"
sign helped determine their position.
The more...

In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.
"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer.
The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."
The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."
"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

The passengers on a small plane were a little shocked when the pilots arrived. One pilot had a seeing-eye dog, the other had a white tipped cane which he used to tap his way and both were wearing dark glasses.
They carefully made their way to the cockpit, entered and closed the door, then started up the engines.
As the plane began moving faster and faster down the runway, the window seat passengers realized they were heading right toward the water at the end of the runway.
Panic set in and screams filled the air. At that very moment, the plane lifted smoothly into the air and the passengers calmed down and breathed a sigh of relief.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot leaned a little toward the pilot and exclaimed, "Phew! You know, one of these days they're going to scream too late and we're all going to die!"

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. .. it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms more...

In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost." $10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10." The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man." "Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane."It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Lets go! Lets go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air."Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes.""Why?" asked the pilot."Because Im going to take pictures! Im a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean youre not the instructor?"

Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the mid west, and had been married years. Bob had always want to go flying. The desire deepen each time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars." The years went pay, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's at least watch. And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue and Bob started an arguement. The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to they problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if you back one sound, you pay ten dollars. So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could. Heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admited defeat and went back the air port. "I'm more...