Piss Jokes / Recent Jokes

63 Ways To Piss Off A Cop
1. When you get pulled over, say “What’s wrong, ossifer, there’s no blood in my alcohol? ”
2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to……
5. Ask if you can see his gun.
6. When he says you aren’t allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger.
7. Touch him.
8. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
9. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
10. Refer to him by his first name.
11. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
12. When he says no, cry.
13. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
14. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
15. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.
16. When he asks you to more...

Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
I hate everybody, and you're next.
Please don't make me kill you.
And your point is...?
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now.
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
You KNOW you want me.
Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time...
Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?
Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
All stressed out and no one to more...

Two of the most common indications of nervousness are trembling hands and a need to urinate. It's hardly surprising, then, that the floors of men's airport toilets are soaked with piss: most of the gents who use the facilities are at least a little concerned at the prospect of their upcoming flight.

Until recently, the lavatories at Amsterdam's Schiphol airport were no exception, as nervous flyers emptied their bladders everywhere except in the urinals. However after a debate among airport staff, Schiphol hit upon a possible solution.

The cleaners began painting flies on the inside of urinals, the theory being that men would always aim for the little' fellas' (flies) in an attempt to piss them down the drain. And it seems to have worked. With 700 fake flies now resident in the airport's conveniences, the level of splashing has been reduced by 80%, and the toilet manufacturers are now producing a line of' bogs' (toilets) complete with pre-painted more...

A man walks up to the bar, and speaks to the bartender. "I bet you $500 that I can piss in this cup from across the room." The bartender looks at the man like he was nuts and says with a laugh, "Ooook buddy. You got a deal." So the man walks over to the other side of the room, pulls down his zipper and just lets it fly. Piss goes everywhere; on the bar, on customers, all over the bartender, but not a drop lands in the cup. The man walks back over to the bartender. The bartender says, "Ha ha ha. Well pay up." So the man pays him, turns around and begins to laugh hysterically. The bartender asks, "You just lost $500, why are you laughing?" The man turns around and says to the bartender, "Well you see that man over there." The bartender says, "Yeah." He replies, "Well, I bet him $10, 000 that I could piss all over your bar and you, and that you would be happy and laugh about it!"

A guy goes into a bar and goes up to the bartender. He says "I bet you 200 bucks I can piss in that glass in the corner and not spill a drop." The bartender agreed knowing he could never do it. So the man goes into the corner and pisses all ove everything even the bartender. So he walks back to the laughing bartender and the bartender says "I knew you couldn't do it." The man replies, "You can have your 200 dollars, I just bet those guys over there 2000 dollars that I could piss all over your place and you still would be laughing."

This guy is sitting at a bar having a few wobbly-pops and suddenly gets this feeling that he has to go make an urgent call to the potty. So he goes into the bathroom and sees this really short guy taking a piss. He takes the stall next to this short guy, and while taking a piss the guy happens to look over at the little guy and by accident sees his dick. He just can't help saying to the guy "man that is a big dick! I wish that I had a dick that big!"
"Well" says the little guy," I'm leprechaun and I can grant you one wish, and all you have to do is suck on me wang!"
In horror of the thought the man exclaims, "I don't think so you little faggot, even for a dick that size!"
"Fine then" says the leprechaun.
But after a minute of thinking the man says "Alright I'll do it." So the man starts to suck the leprechaun's dick and when he is finished he says "I can't believe that I am going to have a dick that more...

One a daya I'ma go to Detroit to a biga hotel. Ina morning I'ma go down to eta the breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two piss's toast.
She bring me only one a piss,
I tella I wanna two piss's, she say to go to the toilet. I say you no unnerstan, I wanna two piss ona my plate,
She say you better not piss on your plate, you sonnama bitch.
I don't even know the lady and she calla me sonnema bitch.
Later I'ma go to eta at biga restaurant,
The waitress brings me spoon and knife but no fock,
I tell her I wanna fock,
She tell me everybody wanna fock,
I tell her you no unnerstan, I wanna fock ona table,
She say you better no fock ona table, you sonnama bitch
So I'ma go back in my room I'ma hotel and theres no s#it ona my bed, I calla the manager an tell him I wanna s#it ona my bed.
He tell me go to the toilet.
I say you no unnerstan, I say again I wanna s#it ona my bed, he say you better not s#it ona the bed you sonnama more...