Plate Jokes / Recent Jokes

One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor.He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him!"

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.
He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.
The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor.
He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

Ever since Lutherans stopped discriminating against gays in the church, things are a little different.
Recently, the Lutheran church service was under way and they pasted the collection plate. When the preacher saw a $100.00 bill in the collection plate, he stop the service and asked whom ever put the $100.00 bill in the plate to "please stand up".
A gay man stood up and announced that the donation was his. The preacher told him, "Since you put that money in the plate I would like to let you pick out three hymns." Excitedly, the gay guy looked around and started pointing, saying, "I'll take him, him, and him."

One Sunday a pastor toldthe congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people toprayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said thatwhoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plateswere passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill inoffering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregationand said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to cometo the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderfulit was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him more...

CAT MIRACLE DIET: Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet!

Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what con- stitutes food. Good Luck!

DAY ONE Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more than. 75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.

Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your more...

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note
explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him
a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note explaining that you've gone away for the
holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact
replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get
them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull
goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees
that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding
signs that say "We hate Christmas" and "Go away Santa."
7. Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs. Claus
called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf
of bread on his way home.
8. Throw a more...