Plate Jokes / Recent Jokes

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate.
It went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity,
approached
her.
"My dear, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the
collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I
don't need, I give to the church."
"That's wonderful, but how much does he send you?" the priest asked.
"He sends me $2,000 every week," she replied proudly.
"Your son must be very successful," said the priest. "May I ask what
does
he do for a living?
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honourable profession," the priest assured her. "Where
does
he practice?"
"Well," she replied, "he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in
New Orleans."

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the preacher, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "My dear lady, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church." That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" "Oh, $20,000 a week." "Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?" "Well, he has one cat house near Las Vegas and another outside of Reno."

One day, I'ma go to Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning, I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She bring me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand . I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
Later, I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress, she bring me a spoon and knife, but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock onna the table. She say you better not fock onna the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
So, I go back to my room inna hotel and there's no shits onna my bed. I call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit onna my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't more...

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.
"Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."
"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
"Oh, $2,000 a week."
"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?"
"Well, he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas."

1. Rather than milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note stating that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in your house, find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note saying you're away on holidays and asking if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in your house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas, then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes wild when he sees a little red cape, just wait until he sees that big, red, Santa suit.
6. Throw a surprise party for him when he comes down the chimney and refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
7. While he's still in your house, find his sleigh and sit in it. When he comes back out and sees you, tell him he never should have missed that last payment, and take off.
8. Leave a plate filled with freshly baked cookies and a glass of milk out, more...

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note
explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a
speeding ticket.

Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the
holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact
replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get
them to fly.

Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes
crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that
big, red Santa suit!

Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs
that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus
called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf
of bread on his way more...

One day I go to Toronto and stay in a bigga hotel. I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna twopissa toast. She bring me only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss; she say, go to toilet - I say, you nounderstand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you betta no pisson plate, you sonna ma b*tch! I don't even know lady, she calla mesomma ma b*tch. Then I go to pharmacia with a cougha. The man he give me candy anatell me fa cough! - I don't even know man ana he tella me FA COUGH! Later I got to eat soma lunch at Ricky's Place, the waitress shebring me spoon, a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock - Shetell me everybody wanna fock. I tella her, you no understand, Iwanna fock on table. She say you betta not fock on table you sonnama b*tch - I not even know lady ana she call me sonna ma b*tch. So, I go back to my hotel room, an there's no sheet on my bed. Icalla the manager and tella him I wanna sheet, he tell me go totoilet. So, I say, you no understand, I more...