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When little Timmy saw his aunt for the first time after the holidays he thanked her for the harmonica she had given him, adding that it was the best gift he had ever received.
"I'm so glad you like it. Have you learned how to play it yet," his aunt asked.
Laughing, little Timmy replied, "Oh no, I don't play it. Mommy gives me 50 cents a day to not play it during the day and Daddy gives me $5 a week to not play it at night."

"What shall we play today?" Cori asked her best friend Judy.
"Let's play 'school'!" said Judy.
"Okay," said Cori, "But I'm going to be absent."

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.
â??Your Holiness,â?? said one of the Cardinals, â??Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.â??
The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand, â??Have we not,â?? he asked, â??a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?â??
â??None that plays golf very well,â?? a cardinal said. â??But,â?? he added, â??there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal, then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, weâ??ll also win the match.â??
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, more...

A wealthy trader from Wall Street stopped in at the local tattoo parlor in Key West, Florida and requested to have a one hundred dollar bill tattooed on his penis. The heavily tattooed tattoo artist looked at the extremely well dressed trader with a look of complete astonishment, and said “I’ve had strange requests, but this one tops the list. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your wanker with the picture of a one hundred dollar bill? ” The trader in his usual fashion looked at the burly artist and told him this account. “There are three distinct reasons I want this done and done immediately. One, I love to play with my money. Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow. Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow a hundred bucks, she won’t have to leave home to do it!

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers more...

there was a mom a dad a son and a daugter.one day the girl went up to her mother and asked whats this well thats your garage dont let any motarcycles park into it.and the little girl said ok and went to play in the sand box. then the boy went up to his father and asked whats this well thats your motarcycle park it in any garage you see.so the boy left and went to the sand box to play. five minutes later the little girl came back covered with blood and the mother asked what happened well the boy tried to park his bike in to my garage so i riped off his wheels.

Two drummers and a violinist decide to form a band. The three of them start playing, and the sound is just awful. One drummer turns to the other and says, "We sound terrible. I don't think this is going to work. Let's get rid of the violinist."

This trumpet player was on the phone with his agent. He was concerned that he didn't have a gig in a while. His agent tells him; "Listen, there aren't any gigs out there, but I found you something. I got you a gig bagging lions."

To which the trumpet player says, "What does that have to do with my playing. The agent then says "Look, the gig pays 100. 00 for each lion that you bag, don't worry about playing"

. At this point the trumpet player will take anything so he hangs up and flies to Africa. Not wanting to miss any practice time he takes his trumpet with him while looking for the lions. He notices a lion coming toward him and the only thing that he could think of doing is more...