Please Jokes / Recent Jokes

At the edge of the forest there was a somewhat mediocre wizard. He is there to help the animals of the forest with some of their daily problems. One day a toad hops in.The toad says "Oh wizard, please help me. I was born with a yellow penis.""I've told you animals, I can't help you with any big problems," responds the wizard. "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz."So the toad hops off on his merry little way. But in not too long an elephant enters the wizards pad."Oh wizard," the elephant begins, "please help me. I was born without a trunk."Now the wizard is infuriated. "Don't you stupid animals ever listen!!! Take your damn big problems to the wizard of Oz!"The elephant responds "But, wizard how do I get to the Wizard of Oz?""Oh that's easy," says the wizard. "Just follow the yellow dicked toad!"

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My private part died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences".
The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "you shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas".
"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my private part died".
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy.
"Well," he more...

"Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one.""Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.""Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it""Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.""Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.""Sorry about yesterdays note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.""When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you' to give me a hand to turn the mattress.""Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last nights' Sopranos'. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened."My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle.""Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and more...

A crowded flight was cancelled and a single agent was in the process of rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an irate passenger pushed his way to the desk, slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I MUST be on this flight and it must be FIRST CLASS!"
"I'm sorry sir," the agent replied. "I will be more than happy to try to help you, but I must help these folks first. I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
Unimpressed, he yelled so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have ANY idea who I am?"
Without hesitation, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please?" her voice bellowed through the terminal. "There is a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS! If there is anyone who can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the passengers behind him laughing hysterically, he glared at more...

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the
hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he collided with a bear, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. His rifle went one way, and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs.That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear was charging
at him, and he couldn't move."Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish: Please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"That very instant the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud at the preacher's feet:"Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive..."

These three brothers all got married on the same day and all went to the same location for their honeymoon. That evening, they got together without their wives and were bragging about how much shagging they were going to do that night. They eventually came to an agreement that they would use some form of code words the next morning, in front of their wives, to let each other know how they had got on the previous evening.
Anyhow, the next morning came, and the three exhausted men were at the breakfast table with their wives. The waiter came over and asked the first what he wanted for breakfast and he replied: "I'll have TWO slices of toast please!"
The other two knew what he meant and they subtley smiled to themselves.
When the second was asked, he replied: "I'll have THREE slices of toast please!"
The third brother at this point subtley smiled again and when he was asked, he replied: "I'll have FOUR slices of white... and THREE slices of more...

A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says, "Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass on line anymore." "Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank." "Well excuse me, but this fuckin' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language." "Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says. "Well then let's get the fuckin' manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?" The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?" The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it." The man says "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this fuckin' check for 15 million dollars." The manager looks at the check and then more...