Pound Jokes / Recent Jokes
A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy faints. The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy,
"What's wrong with you?"
The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"
The big dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said' Turn around'."
1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh," it`s already too late.
4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
5. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
7. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
8. Some things will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old that you`d imagine would remain in him or her.
9. Super glue is forever.
10. McGyver can teach us many things we don`t more...
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible" he says, "there is a 20 pound note lodged up here." Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a 10 pound note appears.
"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's och batt er. How moch was in dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "1,990 pounds, exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit, says the Irishman. knew I wasn't quite feeling two more...
A cannibal went to a brain store one day because he was craving brains. he decided he wanted to try a musician's brains to see if they taste any different.
He looked around and saw the prices.
Trumpet Brains-$25.00/pound
Trombone Brains-$1.00/pound
Percussion Brains- 10.00/pound
Tuba Brains-$0.50/pound
Colorguard Brains-$0.25/pound
Clairinet Brains-$1000.00/pound
Flute Brains-$0.50/pound
So the cannibal turned and saw a man that worked there. He said to the guy:
"Why are the clarinet brains so expensive?"
The man replied "DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY CLAIRINET PLAYERS YOU HAVE TO KILL TO GET ONE POUND OF BRAINS?"
A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.
The man walks over and tThe Donkey "A man walks into a bar and orders a pint of lager on the side of the bar he notices a large jar filled with one pound coins the asks the bartender
"what do i have to do to win the money in that jar"
The bartender replies
"I have got my pet donkey out the back all you have to do is make him laugh and the money is yours"
So the man goes out the back and sure enough he makes the donkey wet with laughter.
the man emerges back into the bar
the bartender amazed asks
"how in gods name did you make the donkey laugh"
"now that would be telling" the man replied" and with more...
On September 7th Anna Nicole gave birth to a healthy 6 pound, 9 ounce baby girl. On September 18th Anna announced the newborns engagement to 57 year old oil tycoon Jimmy Biggs. The pair have set a spring wedding.
A whale's penis is called a dork.
Because of the rotation of the earth, an object can be thrown farther if it is thrown west.
The average person spends 6 months of their life sitting at red lights.
In 1912 a law passed in Nebraska where drivers in the country at night were required to stop every 150 yards, send up a skyrocket, wait eight minutes for the road to clear before proceeding cautiously, all the while blowing their horn and shooting off flares.
More Monopoly money is printed in a year, than real money throughout the world.
Caesar salad has nothing to do with any of the Caesars. It was first concocted in a bar in Tijuana, Mexico, in the 1920's.
One quarter of the bones in your body are in your feet.
Crocodiles and alligators are surprisingly fast on land. Although they are rapid, they are not agile. So, if being chased by one, run in a zigzag line to lose him or her.
Seattle’s Fremont more...