Pound Jokes / Recent Jokes

A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The small guy faints. The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong with you?" The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?" The big dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said' Turn around'."

A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy faints.
The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong with you?"
The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"
The big dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said' Turn around'."

A woman who was diagnosed as being terminally ill was told she needed a brain transplant using a 1-1/2 pound brain.
She was also informed that a 1-1/2 pound brain of a surgeon would cost $500 and the 1-1/2 pound brain of a movie star $600.
She replied that since her father had been a famous lawyer she would prefer a lawyer brain. That's fine, she was told, but that will cost you $10,000.
What? she replied incredulously.
If a surgeon's brain only costs $500, why does a lawyer's brain cost $10,000?
Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to get 1-1/2 pounds of brain? the doctor replied.

What do you call a 300 pound woman in Minnesota? Anorexic

Recently, somewhere in the US a teacher gave his class a not-too-kosher maths test which landed him in the proverbial soup. The original was edited and given to the class in all seriousness (I think). But there was some logical reasoning behind it!
Many people claim the reason innner city students do poorly on standardized tests is because the tests are culturally biased as part of an evil white surburbanite plan. This is of course a much more likely explanation than the idea that drugs, running gun battles and teen pregnancy are disruptive to education.
So, here's a culturally normalized standard test.
City of East Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Final Exam
Name:____________
Alias:____________
Gang:____________
Johnny has an AK-47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots, and he shoots 13 times at every drive by shooting, how may drive by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?
Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells more...

Young Larry stopped by the corner grocery store and read the following list to the clerk:

10 pounds sugar at $1. 25 a pound
4 pounds coffee at $1. 50 a pound
2 pounds butter at $1. 10 a pound
2 bars soap at $. 83 each

"How much does that come to?" asked Larry.

"Twenty-two dollars and thirty-six cents."

"If I gave you three ten dollar bills, how much change would I get?" said the boy.

"Seven dollars and sixty-four cents," stated the clerk who appeared to be irritated by all the questions.

Larry said, as he disappeared through the door, "I don`t want to buy the items... that`s our arithmetic lesson for tomorrow, and I needed some help with it."

It’s a summer holiday weekend and a man is shopping for the cookout he’s having. He notices a sign in a butcher shop window advertising ‘Ground Sirloin: 39 cents per pound’. Entering the shop, he tells the butcher he would like five pounds of the ground sirloin. “Sorry, sir, ” replies the butcher. “I’m all out. ” Disappointed, the man goes down the street to another butcher shop and asks, “How much is your ground sirloin? ” “It’s $3. 59 per pound, ” replies the butcher. “What! ” exclaims the man. “The butcher up the street is selling it for 39 cents per pound! ” Smiling calmly, the butcher asks, “Does he have any? ” “Not right now, no. He told me he’s out of it, ” replies the man. Grinning, the butcher says, “Well sir, when I don’t have any, I can sell it for 29 cents per pound! ”