Preached Jokes / Recent Jokes
Church feuds are not uncommon, especially among cliques in the congregation. But when the pastor and choir director get into it, stand aside. One week our preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The director then led the choir in singing,' I Shall Not Be Moved.' The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The choir director then led the song,' Jesus Paid It All.' The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The hymn was' I Love To Tell The Story.' The preacher became disgusted over the situation, and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The choir then sang' Oh, Why Not Tonight.' When the preacher resigned the next week, he told the church that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was taking him away. The choir then sang,' What A Friend We Have in Jesus.'
On my first Sunday at a new church a woman came out, shook my had and declared that I had preached a "Very warm sermon."
I thanked her.
The next week, "You preached a warm sermon today," she declared.
Again I thanked her, feeling very proud.
The same thing the third week, and the fourth, and the fifth.
On the sixth week she declared it to be a "Warm sermon" again and I said, "By the way, when you say I preache a warm sermon, what do you mean?
"Not so hot." and she walked off
As a young minister in Kentucky, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be buried there.
I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost. Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions. I finally arrived an hour late.
I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave. There I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do.
The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to pour out my heart and soul. As I preached about "looking forward to a brighter tomorrow" and "the more...
The minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.
The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way:
"The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures and I could not stop talking!"
Our local minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures made a few weeks ago.
The first Sunday, his sermon lasted 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached for an hour and a half. I asked him about this. He then told me "well, John, that first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were still hurting a lot. Now the third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING!"
A pastor wanted to be "trendy" and "appeal to the youth". So he decided to preach a sermon which took all of its illustrations from surf boarding. He spent a week preparing the message, and was pretty pleased with the results.
However, his wife was considerably less enthusiastic. On Sunday morning she refused to accompany him to church and said, "Merle, if you're gonna preach about surf boarding, I'm not gonna sit in the congregation and be embarrassed."
The pastor walked to church and decided that perhaps his wife was right. So he preached a sermon on Christian views of sex - what was and was not appropriate behavior for Christians. Not wanting to admit to his wife that she was right (No husband ever admits his wife was right if he can help it.), the pastor said nothing of his changed sermon.
A couple days later the wife was grocery shopping and met a member of the congregation. The member commented, "That was a magnificent sermon that more...
Our local minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures made a few weeks ago.
The first Sunday, his sermon lasted 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached for an hour and a half.
I asked him about this. He then told me "well, John, that first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were still hurting a lot. Now the third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING!"