Pressure Jokes / Recent Jokes
Jim was fairly successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by terrible headaches. When it got to the point where his personal hygiene and love life began to suffer, he sought out medical help.
After being referred to one specialist after another, he finally came upon a doctor who was able to solve the problem. "The good news is, I can cure your headaches," the doctor said. "The bad news is, it will require castration. You are suffering from a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. Removal of the testicles is the only way to relieve the pressure."
Shocked and depressed, Jim wondered if he had anything to live for. Although he wasn't able to concentrate long enough to answer, he knew he had no choice but to have the surgery.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of more...
1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the thing in the first place, you fat barstools.
4. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
5. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
6. Don't buy expensive' ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip handful of frozen peas more...
In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is one, you should be sure to email your Mom.
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe
squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. more...
The doctor said,' Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought,' That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman,' I'd like a new suit.' The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said,' Let's see... size 44 more...
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an
afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and
if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold
shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife
will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to
two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side
while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please
pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the
entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During
the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers,
dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to the next two days, high pressure to eat sand-
wiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected
both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the
day. more...
Teacher: What Is The Meaning Of Pressure? Raju: When I Go To The Bathroom I Do The Pressure.
The Real Programmer is capable of working 30, 40, even 50 hours at a stretch, under intense pressure. In fact, he prefers it that way. Bad response time doesn't bother the Real Programmer - it gives him a chance to catch a little sleep between compiles. If there is not enough schedule pressure on the Real Programmer, he tends to make things more challenging by working on some small but interesting part of the problem for the first nine weeks, then finishing the rest in the last week, in two or three 50-hour marathons. This not only inpresses the hell out of his manager, who was despairing of ever getting the project done on time, but creates a convenient excuse for not doing the documentation. In general:
No Real Programmer works 9 to 5. (Unless it's the ones at night.)
Real Programmers don't wear neckties.
Real Programmers don't wear high heeled shoes. [But you *never* know! ]
Real Programmers arrive at work in time for lunch.
A Real Programmer might or might not more...