Pretty Jokes / Recent Jokes

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer. .. you're in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators; the engineer soon becomes a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer: "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great! We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators! And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next!"
God exclaims: "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan, standing his ground, challenges: "No way. I like having more...

Joe was sitting in his favorite bar having a few beers after work, when a beautiful woman sat down next to him. She looked vaguely familiar, but he couldn't quite place her."Hi, Joe", she said. "I haven't seen you in a long time."Joe was puzzled. "Charlie, is that you?" What are you doing dressed up like a woman?""Well, Joe. It's a long story, but the bottom line is that I always felt like a woman trapped in a man's body, so I finally decided to do something about it. After a number of operations, I am now a woman."Joe was initially shocked, but after admiring Charlie's breasts, he said, "Damn, Charlie, I bet it was pretty painful to have those implants put in.""Yeah, but that wasn't the most painful part."Joe's gaze lowered, and he got a sick feeling in his stomach. "Oh shit. You mean you had your penis and testicles cut off? I bet that was awful.""Yes, that was pretty painful, but that wasn't the worst more...

The pretty patient nervously asked the doctor to perform an unusual operation-the removal of a large chunk of green wax from her navel. Looking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked, "How did this happen?"

"Well, you see, doctor," the girl said, "my boyfriend likes to eat by candlelight."

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand more...

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says. "That's cool" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby-so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless more...

BOY: May I hold your hand?
GIRL: No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL: Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY: You love me...
GIRL: If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY: Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL: I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY: Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple.
GIRL: Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY: Don't you ever want to improve??
BOY: I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL: Oh yeah? How soon??
BOY: I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL: Yes, but would you stay there??
SHARON: Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY: I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
WOMAN: You remind me of the sea.
MAN: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
WOMAN: NO, because you make me sick.
WIFE: You tell a man something; it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND: You more...

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell." Each man gives a story Three men were standing in line to more...