Principal Jokes / Recent Jokes

Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair
Then: The perfect high
Now: The perfect high yield mutual fund
Then: KEG
Now: EKG
Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux
Then: Moving to Calif. because it's cool
Now: Moving to Calif. because it's warm
Then: Growing pot
Now: Growing pot belly
Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
Now: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
Then: Seeds and stems
Now: Roughage
Then: Popping pills, smoking joints
Now: Popping joints
Then: Killer weed
Now: Weedkiller
Then: Hoping for a BMW
Now: Hoping for a BM
Then: The Grateful Dead
Now: Dr. Kevorkian
Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now: Receiving a new hip joint
Then: Rolling Stones
Now: Kidney Stones
Then: Being called into the principal's office
Now: Calling the principal's office
Then: Screw the system
Now: Upgrade the system
Then: Peace sign
Now: more...

"If a Negro servant were to let fall the principal dish of the Christmas plate, how will the world be affected?"
A: "The fall of Turkey, the breaking-up of China, the over-throw of Greece and the humiliation of Africa."

The opening credits of The Simpsons(tm) shows Bart Simpson writing the same sentence over and over again on the chalkboard. Here are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits. I will not carve gods. I will not spank others. I will not aim for the head. I will not barf unless I'm sick. I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge. I will not conduct my own fire drills. Funny noises are not funny. I will not snap bras. I will not fake seizures. This punishment is not boring and pointless. My name is not Dr. Death. I will not prescribe medication. I will not bury the new kid. I will not teach others to fly. I will not bring sheep to class. A burp is not an answer. Teacher is not a leper. I will not eat things for money. I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call. The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee. I will not call the principal "spud head". Goldfish don't bounce. Mud is not one of the 4 food groups. No one is interested in my underpants. I more...

It was graduation night at Cox High School and they were about halfway through the ceremony when the principal said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a problem, Bubba is a few credits short and won’t be able to graduate tonight. ”
Well now, Bubba was the starting right guard for Cox’s football team, and when the student body heard that he wasn’t going to graduate, they all jumped up and started to chant, “Give Bubba another chance, give Bubba another chance! ”
Pat Dye and the principal had a quick conference and afterward, the principal announced that they have decided to give Bubba another chance. Bubba is told that he will be given a “One Question” math test and if he passes, he can graduate.
The question is, “What is 2 plus 3? ” Bubba thinks for about 20 minutes and finally says, “I have it! The answer is 5! ”
There is complete silence in the auditorium for a couple of seconds and then the entire Cox High School football team jumps up and more...

Has anybody attempted a compilation of the hilarious things kids do
and say in the process of growing up? If not, I am willing to act as
a collector of these stories. Email me, and I'll repost as the list
grows. To start things off (or to add to someone else's list) I have
the following two stories:
Story #1: Told to me by a former co-worker.
Eliot was about 3 when he and his dad paid a visit to a local mall.
Eliot began to misbehave, so his dad picked him up and proceeded to
carry him out of the store. As they made their way to the exit, Eliot
yelled out, "Hey mister, put me down."
[You can guess what they taught Eliot in preschool.]
Story #2: Told to me by a school principal at a panel discussion on
"Is your child ready for kindergarten?"
The principal was visiting the kindergarten class, as was his daily
habit. The teacher was teaching the children about colors. She asked
the class if anyone knew what more...

A little boy goes up to his father and asks:"Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?" The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500, 000." The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500, 000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said' Hell yes I would!'" The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500, 000." The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500, 000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"He returns to his father: "Dad, she said' Hell yes I would!'" The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in more...

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students, Johnny.' 'I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!''
The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agrees to take the test.
' ' What is 3x3?' '
' '9.''
' 'What is 6 x 6? ''
' '36.''
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looked at the teacher and told her he thought Johnny belonged in third grade.
' 'Let me ask him some questions. What does a cow have four of more...