Private Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldnt you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGraths mother died. Youd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls for more...

"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. "I suppose
after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so
you can come and spit on my grave."
"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I ain't
never going to stand in line again!"

WANKY PANKY
- fooling around, naughtier than hanky panky
THRUSTER BUSTER
- a sudden noise that interrupts the act of sex, especially a doorbell, the sound of a spouse's car in the driveway or the shrill voice of an unexpected parent
RUBBER FLUBBER
- sudden realization that the condom has broken
BOOBIE LUBEY
- stimulation of a female's breasts to arouse sexual interest
DICKIE LICKIE
- oral stimulation of the male's private parts
TUSHIE PUSHIE
- doggie-style sexual intercourse
PECKER WRECKER
- oral sex given to a man by a female wearing braces on her teeth
FUCKIE SUCKIE
- oral sex and sexual intercourse both
STINKIE PINKIE
- the result of sexual stimulation of the female's private parts by the male's hands
HUMMER CUMMER
- I think you can figure out this one all by yourself!

In the midst of a blazing battle, an officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly on the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier and dove back to safety.
"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."
"Warehouses?!?!?!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!!!"

After the brief Falkland Islands war, a British regiment commander
was addressing some troops under his command who had heroically
performed above and beyond the call of duty. He informed them
that Her Majesty's Army had committed to reward each of the three
soldiers 100 pounds per inch of distance between two different
parts of the man's body.
The commander addressed the first soldier, "Where would you like
to be measured, Sergeant?" "From the tip of me head to the soles
of me feet, Sir!" he replied. "Very good!," the commander said,
and the sergeant was measured at 6'5." He was paid the handsome
sum of 7000 pounds.
The second soldier was asked, "What about you, Corporal?" "Between
the tips of the fingers of me outstretched arms, Sir!" the corporal
said. "Very good!" replied the commander. The corporal, a man of
considerable wingspan, was rewarded 8000 more...

An army sergeant told Private Perkins to go to the end of the line. He did, but then returned. "I thought I told you to go to the end of the line," barked the NCO. "Why did you come back?" "Because there's already somebody there!"

20% of Americans believe that public schools should only teach evolution. And another 20% believe they should only teach creationism. And it's because of this latter 20%, that the remaining 60 are in private school.