Probably Jokes / Recent Jokes

This is original. After this experience, I wrote it up for a local
newsgroup. I was asked for some clarification, and I posted the followup
at the bottom.
Last Sunday, I was waaaaaaiting for my son (7 years old) to get ready
for church. Since I had him trapped, I decided it was time to discuss some
of the 'Facts of Life' with him:
Son, you have gotten old enough that you can be trusted with one of
the Important Secrets of Manhood. You must never tell this secret to any
women or girls.
'OK'
You have probably noticed that most things are run by men. The boss is
usually a man. Men usually get paid more than women. HOWEVER, there isn't
all that much difference between men and women.
'But what about...'
OH that. That isn't all that important. Are you any smarter than the
girls your age?
'Nope'
And I am not any smarter than the women my age. And you know your mother
could probably whip me in a fair fight. So, why do you more...

If you happen to end up in a Halloween or horror movie, it is worthwhile to remember a few simple rules to help keep yourself healthy, happy and safe (in other words, not dead).

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off or go alone. Hit the first person that says, "Let's split up."

6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. It's just not that more...

Ways to turn men down
HE: can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money
HE: I'm a photographer i've been looking for a face likeyours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. i've been looking for a face like yours!!!
HE: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake
twice!!!
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share!!!
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
HE: Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have more...

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several more...

Ten things that dads probably don't say too often!
10. 'Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost. Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.'
9. 'You know Pumpkin, now that you're 13, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?'
8. 'I notice that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude... I like that.'
7. 'Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car... go crazy.'
6. 'What do you mean you wanna play rugby? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?'
5. 'Your mother and I are going away for the weekend... you might want to consider throwing a party.'
4. 'Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those watchamacallits - you know - that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.'
3. 'No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring, now quit your belly-aching and let's go to the mall.'
2. 'Whaddya wanna go and get a job more...

This simple five question test will help determine how drunk you really are. Begin by answering each of the five questions below truthfully. Then determine your score based on question answer values provided. Lastly, compare your score to the results for a final answer.1. Think about your wife. In your mind, is she: (a) the most beautiful woman alive; (b) a beautiful woman; (c) attractive; (d) ugly as sin.2. Think about your job. In your mind, is it: (a) the best job on the planet; (b) a good job; (c) a decent job; (d) the most annoying job ever.3. Try walking. What happened? Did you: (a) find it impossible to stand up; (b) fall after standing up; (c) walk fifty feet before falling flat on your face; (d) walk one thousand feet without falling.4. How did you get to the bar? I got here in: (a) my brand new chauffer-driven limo; (b) a brand new car; (c) a used car; (d) a rented, rusted, and damaged 1950 japanese import.5. What do you think of your strength? I am: (a) invincible; (b) more...

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there

If you've worn shorts, sandals and a parka at the same time

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed the wrong number

If you measure distance in hours

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once

If you have switched from' heat' to' A/C' and back again in the same day

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave the doors unlocked, you probably live in Oregon...

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over 2 layers of clothes or under a raincoat

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction

If you feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash

If you know more than 10 ways to order coffee

If you know more people who own boats than air more...