Probably Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man was tired of the city life so he decided to move way out in the country where he would have all the room and privacy that he needed. His house was at least 35 miles from everything and everyone. No one ever came to visit and he never went to visit anyone.
After about the sixth month at his new home, he began to get a little lonesome and wondered if he'd really made the right move. That evening while he sat in his rocking chair on his front porch, he noticed someone walking along his long, secluded driveway towards his house. He quickly approached the strange man and asked what he needed.
The stranger stated that he was a neighbor that lived just beyond the far hill and that he was having a party that night and would like to invite him. The man quickly accepted the neighbors offer and was relieved to finally have some company.
Before the neighbor left, he told the man, "You better let me warn you about something. At this party, there's probably going to be more...

(This allegedly really happened in Canada. I heard it from a
friend. After posting it in rec.backcountry I got some requests to
post it here.)
Some guy on drugs jumped over a cliff but did not quite succeed in
killing himself. The rescue team tied his unconscious body into a
Stokes litter and proceeded to evacuate by means of a "fixed line
flyaway." This means that the litter is suspended a couple of
hundred feet below a helicopter which then flies to a level place
where they can set him down (carefully) and either load him in the
aircraft or otherwise take further care of him. The patient is
accompanied by one attendant tied into the litter.
This patient began to regain consciousness during the flight.
Remember he is flying across the sky and being marginally conscious
(as well as probably still feeling the effects of whatever drug he
took) probably doesn't notice either the helicopter or the more...

MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMPUTING
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human... to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

Something for all the animal lovers. :-)
Accurately telling the weather is an ongoing challenge. Here is a sure-fire method guaranteed to produce consistent results if followed faithfully:
Go to your back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
Sincerely,
The Cat

Late-breaking news: Federal investigators have revealed that yesterday's
record drop in the stock market was apparently triggered by two
high-school students operating out of a basement somewhere in Western
Pennsylvania. The names of the suspects, both minors, have not been
released. Arrest warrants have allegedly been issued, but the student
hackers apparently have not yet been apprehended. A spokesman for the
FBI refused to comment on the rumor that the two had managed to leave
the country carrying millions of dollars in cash and gold.
Just after the close of stock trading on Monday, the Washington Post
received a call from two individuals who claimed to be the stock market
"hackers." The callers explained that they have been breaking into the
computer systems of major brokerage houses for several months,
"adjusting" the price of various stocks. This was done by telephone,
using a Macintosh personal computer more...

Advice on baby care - your questions answered.
(From a Nutworks post by Jon Partington)
QUESTION. I am the father of a two-month old baby and he is fascinated by a Helium balloon that we have bought him. It is called Mr Smiley and has a smiling face on one side, with the words 'Don't worry'. He keeps playing with the thing, tugging on the string and letting the balloon rise again. However what is worrying me is that he seems more interested in Mr Smiley than he is in me: also he seems to resemble Mr Smiley very strongly, in that he is fat, full of wind, and smiles a lot in an enigmatic way. Is it possible that my wife has committed adultery with Mr Smiley, & the baby is not my son at all?
ANSWER. This is highly improbable. The baby probably likes Mr Smiley because he comes when the baby pulls him. You could try bobbing up and down above the cot, smiling vacuously. Pretend you are a politician running for office, Maybe.
QUESTION. My baby is only one month old and can more...

Morning. Uh, just to help you cope until you wake up:
Feet. They are the frayed bits at the end of your legs. They go on the floor.
Hands. Also frayed, but somewhat different. Let's see, how do we sort this one? I know; stand up. Can you touch the floor with your nose without falling? Right, in that case your hands and feet are mixed up. Pick your hands up _after_ you've put your feet on the floor. Glad we've got that sorted. Now your hands will come in handy (just my little pun) for all sorts of things. Lifting your nightie so you don't pee on the hem. Holding the kettle under the tap while you try to remember what you are doing. Closing the curtains before the sunlight burns out your retinas. The main use for hands is to fend off any walls, doors, hatstands, or other predators which will attack without notice.
Ears. Best left off until you are fully awake. Nothing will sound right, and you'll spend far too much time worrying about the ominous creak which is in fact a more...