Procedure Jokes / Recent Jokes

After having their eleventh child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin did not want to have any more children.The vet told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.A less costly alternative was to go home, get a cherry bomb (as fireworks are legal in Arkansas) light it, put it in a beer can and then hold it up to his ear and count to ten. The husband said, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.""Trust me" said the vet. So the husband went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held it up to his ear and began to count: One, Two, Three, Four, Five, at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could resume counting on his other hand.This procedure also more...

If I refuse to go to bed with you," she whispered, "will you really commit suicide?"
"That," he said grandly, "has been my usual procedure."

Please note that Banks are installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.
3. Set parking Brake, Put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
5. Turn the radio down.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Attempt to insert card into machine.
8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
9. Insert more...

A man visited his doctor because he had a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consulted with the patient.

Doctor: "It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is pulling on your vocal cords, thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering."

Patient: "Ddddd octttor. Whhaaat cccan I dddo?"

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing that six inches from the penis, freeing him from this horrible problem.

The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment, as well as, loss of employment and that anything would be worth it. The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his follow up.

Patient: "Doctor, the more...

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so more...

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastro-enteritis specialist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote,' HE'S GOING TO STICK A 17, 000 FEET LONG TUBE UP YOUR BEHIND!'*
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called' MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of our enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my more...

THE BRAINS TRUST PRESENTS:
"PRETZEL EATING IN SAFETY AND COMFORT"
A Guide for the Dangerously Stupid
======================================
Congratulations on purchasing a bag of "Mr Salty" Pretzels.
Correctly used, these salty snacks should provide minutes of healthy enjoyment, however, in order to derive optimum pleasure, and minimal injury, we do recommend that the following procedure is studied and followed.
YOU WILL NEED
1 x comfortable chair
1 x bag of pretzels (contents approximately 24 pretzels)
1 x television receiving equipment, tuned to the sporting event of your choice
Up to 3 dogs - cats or other pets are NOT RECOMMENDED and could be DANGEROUS
STEP 1. OPENING THE BAG
This is a relatively simple procedure, but care needs to be taken nonetheless, so follow the steps carefully.
1. Take hold of the TOP of the bag at EITHER SIDE between FOREFINGER AND THUMB, taking care not to slash your wrists open on the more...