Procedure Jokes / Recent Jokes

A middle aged woman went to her cosmetic surgeon to see what her options were concerning her rapidly sagging face.
"We can give you an old fashioned face-lift, or we can use a new high-tech procedure called "The Knob".
"What is the knob, doctor?" she asked.
"It is a procedure where we install a knob under your hair on the back of your head. We then connect it to the facial muscles and skin which sag, and when you see new wrinkles and sagging, you just tighten the knob a few turns and your skin is nice and tight again."
"Oh, yes! that is what I would like to have," she replied excitedly.
The operation was a complete success and she looked 15 years younger. As time passed, when she would notice a new sagging, she would simply tighten the knob and voila! Her face was again beautiful!
One day about 8 years later she woke up one morning and saw very large bags under her eyes. Alarmed, she called doctor and reported the more...

Relatives gathered in the waiting room of a hospital as their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I`m afraid I`m the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It`s an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope." "Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5, 000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile; avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more...

After their eleventh child was born, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, so the husband went to his doctor and told him they didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor explained that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could solve the problem. He instructed the husband to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to ten.
The husband said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, doc, but I sure don't see how puttin' a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is gonna help."
Thinking it might be a good idea for them to get a second opinion, the couple drove to Georgia. The doctor there was just about to explain the procedure for a vasectomy when he realized they were from Alabama. Instead, he told the man to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to ten.
Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man more...

Please note that Banks are installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.
MALE PROCEDURE
* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.
* 2 Put down your car window.
* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
* 6 Put window up.
* 7 Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE
* 1 Drive up to cash machine.
* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.
* 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down.
* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
* 5 Turn the radio down.
* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine.
* 7 Attempt to insert card into machine.
* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive more...

Pleased to inform customers that the YorkshireBank are now installing the Next Generation of new "Drive-thru" cash point machines: Customers will in future be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies to you (Male Or Female).
Please remember and follow these instructions when you use the machine for the first time.
MALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to the cash machine.
2 Wind down your car window.
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6 Wind up window
7 Drive off
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to cash machine
2 Reverse back the required amount to align car
3 Re-start the stalled engine
4 Wind down the window
5 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
6 Turn the more...

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces.' The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.' The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked,' Well, how much does a brain cost?' The Doctor quickly responded,' $25, 000 for a male brain, and $3, 000 for a female brain.' The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,' Why is the male brain so much more?' The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and said to the entire group,' It's just standard pricing more...

Solitaire' 99

Here is the README. TXT file from Microsoft's latest software product.

Microsoft Solitaire' 98

README file, v4. 3

Welcome!

Congratulations!

Welcome to the wonderful world of Microsoft Solitaire' 98! This classic game has been a Windows fixture for many years, and after a long period of development, we are pleased to announce that it has been updated to take advantage of many exciting, Microsoft- pioneered technologies, such as "long filenames!"

For years, our users have made demands, and Microsoft has listened. You told us that you wanted an operating system in which Solitaire was a seamless, integrated component. You wanted to blend in Solitaire with how you worked, how you played, and in general, you wanted Solitaire to *define your computing experience.*

Solitaire' 98 brings this dream to a blissful reality.

System Requirements:

- 266 MHz Pentium II more...