Procedure Jokes / Recent Jokes

The first ever Internet broadcast of a penile-pump-implant surgery failed miserably when very few people showed up to watch. Is anyone surprised?
Healthology.com thought they had a really good idea when they decided to broadcast the procedure on the web. Healthology.com then convinced American Medical Systems, Inc., makers of the hydraulic penis device, to kick in some big cash to finance the broadcast.
It was hoped that the spectacle of a 50-year-old man having his genitals operated on would draw hoards of curious onlookers. But it didn't happen.
Reports are that the broadcast attracted only 70,000 viewers. That might sound like a big group, but it pales in comparison to other online surgeries, such as Healthology's breast augmentation broadcast. That procedure drew over a million voyeurs. You can guess why?

Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.
Q. How do I go about faxing a complete stranger?
A. Just ask them if they want to fax. If they do, they will give you their phone number.
Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young, and were only allowed to write memo's to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedure.
Q. If I fax something to myself will I go blind?
A. Certainly not. As far as we can see.
Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?
A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a "professional" when their needs become too great.
Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you more...

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain
transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves. "The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a
great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?
"The doctor quickly responded, "$200 for a male brain, and $20000 for a female brain. "The moment turned awkward. Women in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the men, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the female brain so much more?
"The doctor smiled at the childish more...

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces.' The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.'
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked,' Well, how much does a brain cost?'
The Doctor quickly responded,' $25, 000 for a male brain, and $3, 000 for a female brain.'
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,' Why is the male brain so much more?'
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and said to the entire group,' It's more...

A Cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure that would cut down the time that heart surgery would take and would cause less trauma to the patient. He was praised by his peers when he presented it at a convention in Washington D. C. He was also paid $50, 000 to present his find. He did a couple more of these presentations and realized that it would be more lucrative to do lectures on his find than to work as a surgeon. So he decided to do the lectures full-time. He hired a driver and purchased a limousine.
One day, after he'd been doing the lecture circuit for about 6 months, his driver turns to him and says, "You know.... This is completely unfair."
"What do you mean?" asks the surgeon.
"Well, you get paid $50, 000 every time you do this lecture and that's more than I get paid in a year," replies the driver.
The surgeon explains to him that it is a very complicated procedure and that he is the only person that can give this more...

As part of the hospital's admission procedure, patients are asked if they are allergic to anything. If so, it's printed on an allergy band placed on the patient's wrist.
When an elderly woman was being admitted, she was asked if she had any allergies and she said she couldn't eat bananas.
Several hours later, the elderly woman's son stormed over to the nurses' station, demanding, "Who's reponsible for labelling my mother 'bananas'?"

Q: What do you call the Surgical Procedure you perform on a " Yellow Citrus Fruit" that has Spinal stenosis?.

A: A Lemonectomy!