Profession Jokes / Recent Jokes
* You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?", you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox.
* A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn." Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife.
* While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.
* You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.
* You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?"
* You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. Your wallet is missing. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.
How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. One to change the bulb, and eleven to do the paperwork.
An eminent heart specialist was at a glittering social function and was in animated conversations with a lovely young thing wearing a great deal of makeup and the barest minimum of clothing.
It was only a few minutes too late that the good doctor became aware that his wife, whom he thought was safely in the next room, was watching him with a steely glare.
Clearing his throat, the doctor said, "Ah, my dear, that young lady over there and I were just indulging in a purely professional consultation."
"So I can well imagine." said his wife icily, "but was it your profession, or hers?"
I love my Job, I love the Pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my Boss; he's the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.
I love my Office and its location
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
And the paper that piles up every day!
I love my chair in my padded Cell!
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my Peers -
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.
I love my Computer and all its Software;
I hug it often though it doesn't care...
I love each Program and every File,
I try to understand once in a while!
I'm happy to be here, I am I am;
I'm the happiest Slave of my uncle Sam.
I love this Work: I love these Chores.
I love the Meetings with deadly Bores.
I love my Job - I'll say it again -
I even love these friendly Men -
These men who've come to visit today
In lovely white coats to take me away!
How many film directors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done, everyone says that his last light bulb was much better.
How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but you should have seen the bulb, it must have been THIS big.
To: All Employees
From: Human Resources
RE: Layoffs
As a result of the reduction of money for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.
This phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the upper management.
This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following more...