Program Jokes / Recent Jokes
I knocked several times, but you weren't in. - Opportunity
I once worked as a salesman and was very independent; I took orders from no one.
I think we should really add to the confusion... Let's call in (Insert Your Favorite Group - Engineering/Financial...)
I think... therefore I am confused.
I will get it done when I get it done!
I would give $1000 to be a millionaire.
I've got to stop getting fired like this. People will start to think I'm a drifter. - Lee Iacocca
If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up.
If a man advances confidently in the direction of his dreams to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. - Henry David Thoreau
If a program is useful it will be changed, if it is useless, it will be documented.
Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend5. 0 to Husband1. 0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend5. 0. In addition, Husband1. 0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance9. 9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL5. 0 and NBA3. 0. Conversation8. 0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning2. 6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging5. 3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. - -Desperate***Dear Desperate, Keep in mind, Boyfriend5. 0 is an entertainment package, while Husband1. 0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears6. 2. Husband1. 0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty3. 0 and Flowers7. 0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband1. 0 to default to GrumpySilence2. 5, Happyhour7. 0 or Beer6. 1. Beer6. 1 is a very bad more...
THE NBA PLAYER ADOPTION PROGRAM NEEDS YOU!
With an NBA player's strike against the team owners looming, now is the time for us to show the world just how much we care. It's just not right. Hundreds of basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level! Atrocious! And, as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks--possibly a whole year--as a result of the strike. But now you can help! For about two thousand dollars a day--that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV--you can help a basketball player remain economically viable during his time of need.
Two thousand dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, two thousand dollars is nothing more than three months rent or mortgage payments. But to a basketball player, two more...
Billy's Mom's Letters
The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak's column:
Dear Mr. Dvorak:
Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain. It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal ten year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire -- you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying. I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot more...
THE “FORWARDER’S” 12 STEP PROGRAM
Sometimes friends have to tell you things you might not like to hear, but need too. Everyone say it with me…
1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON’T forward an e-mail!
2) I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.
3) Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money. Victoria Secret doesn’t know anything about a gift certificate they’re supposed to send me.
4) Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!
5) I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.
6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail!(If you do, you have a virus or trojan.)
7) There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone more...
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1. 0 to Wife 1. 0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1. 0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Pokernight 10. 3 and Beerbash 2. 5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1. 0 from my system.
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1. 0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?
- Mr I N Distress
Dear I N Distress,
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1. 0 to Wife 1. 0 with the idea that Wife 1. 0 is merely a “UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT” program. Wife 1. 0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and more...
A Safe Bet, Bush Reassures Nation
In a bold move to privatize Social Security, President George W. Bush today put all of the program's funds under the control of former Education Secretary William Bennett, urging Mr. Bennett to "work your magic" on the nation's nest egg.
Recognizing that many retirees are nervous about the privatization of America's retirement system, Mr. Bush reassured them today, stating flatly, "Bill Bennett is a safe bet."
"I have known Bill Bennett for many years," Mr. Bush told reporters. "This is a man who knows when to hold' em and knows when to fold' em."
A beaming Mr. Bennett stood at Mr. Bush's side, the former Education Secretary wearing what he later called "my lucky hat."
He spoke briefly with reporters before boarding a plane for the Venetian casino in Las Vegas, where he said he would begin to implement his "can't lose" investment plan for more...