Properly Jokes / Recent Jokes

When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity. For every week you are away and get nothing done, there is another week when your boss is away and you get twice as much done.

Once again it is time to start thinking about casting your vote for the 1998
Darwin Award winner! As you may already know, the Darwin Awards
are for those nominees who contribute to the gene pool by dying in
spectacularly stupid ways before they breed (thankfully). The 1998 nominees
are:

NOMINEE No. 1 [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using
a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield,
accidentally
shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
NOMINEE No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of
Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police
described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a
highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source
of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and
the other man found Burns "wrapped in more...

A prominent Polish scientist conducted very important experiment. He trained a flea to jump upon giving her a verbal command ("Jump!"). In a first stage of experiment he removed flea's leg, told her to jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook: "Upon removing one leg all flea organs function properly." So, he removed the second leg, asked the flea to jump, she obeyed, so he wrote again: "Upon removing the second leg all flea organs function properly." Thereafter he removed all the legs but one, the flea jumped when ordered, so he wrote again: "Upon removing the next leg all flea organs function properly." Then he removed the last leg. Told flea to jump, and nothing happened. He did not want to take a chance, so he repeated the experiment several times, and the leg less flea never jumped. So he wrote the conclusion: "Upon removing the last leg the flea loses sense of hearing"

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into. The firemen yell to the brunette, "C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!"
The brunette jumps and the firemen are unable to position the blanket properly. Sadly, the brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
Then, the redhead steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!"
"Oh no! You're gonna put blanket in the wrong place!"
"No! We've go it covered! We'll catch you!" yell the firemen.
The redhead jumps and, again, the firemen are unable to position the blanket properly. Sadly, the redhead also slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
Finally, the blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!"
"Oh no! You're gonna put blanket in the wrong place!"
"No! more...

(Long)
It was the funniest damn thing that has ever happened to me. A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night, which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining them. It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.

We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening. I tell you-in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated. Perhaps a bit too much, more...