Prove Jokes / Recent Jokes
General Ways to Annoy People
Announce when you're going to the bathroom.
Ask people to prove everything they say.
(e.g. "I'm Bob, nice to meet you..."
"PROVE IT!")
ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons.
George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart.
The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him. "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers.
The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really *are* Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his more...
(Be read when using the Willy voice in your head)SUBJ: Clinton's Address to the NationText from Clinton's Address to the Nation if he were on truth serum. 10. 16 P. m. ET (0216 GMT) August 17, 1998Good evening. This afternoon in this room, from this chair, in this very spot, I was forced to testify before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury. I answered their questions truthfully whenever there was compelling physical evidence that would contradict my lies, including questions about having sex while watching an intern do kinky things that I now spin as being part of my private life, questions so embarrassing that no American citizen would ever want to answer. Still, the polls indicate that I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight and not ducking questions while the Marine Band plays loudly and drowns out the media. As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my more...
As a man was about to enter a bar, a nun on the step outside accosted him.
"Young man, surely you don't intend to waste your hard-earned money on the devil's brew by entering this den of iniquity," scolded the nun. "Why don't you go home and feed and clothe your wife and children."
"Hold on, Sister," argued the man. "How can you form such a rash judgment and condemn alcohol so quickly, when you've never tasted it?"
"Very well, young man," the nun replied, "I will taste it, just to prove my point. Obviously, I'm not able to enter the bar, so why don't you bring me some whiskey. Oh, and in order to camouflage my intent, perhaps it would be best if you brought it in a cup, rather than a glass!"
Agreeing, the man entered the bar and said to the barkeep, "I'll have a large whiskey. Oh, and could you put it in a cup?"
"Good grief," exclaimed the bartender, "Sister Rose is outside again, more...
George and God
George wanted to perform a leap of faith to prove to his friends that God does exist, so they all drove up to nearby Mount Sarcasm. At the top of the plateau they stopped and all got out and George says I will prove to you once and for all that God is real.
The friends all look at each other and laugh... one guy says Soooooo, let me get this straight...ya gonna jump of this mountain with no parachute and hope that this almighty is gonna catch ya?
Yes says George full of confidence.
The friends all laugh louder this time and goad George on to do the jump. One guy by the name of Sid says Hey George, since ya gonna die, can I have ya boots?
George sneered at the remark, ran towards the edge of the mountain and leapt off.
On the way down he gets very disconcerted that God had not shown up yet to save him and soon realises that he is going to die any second. His last vocal was OH, GOD HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeee...thud!
The friends looked over more...
Dear Aunt Sophie,
My boyfriend just won't leave me in peace for a minute. He does it to me all the time no matter what I am doing. When I am ironing, he lays me across the ironing board and I've got burn marks on my knees to prove it. When I am cooking, he lays me across the kitchen table and does it. I've got knife wounds in my bum to prove it. Please excuse my shaky handwriting.
A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement. "Can you tell me in your own words what happened?" asked the judge.
"I'm a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof." said the man.
"Yes go on." said the astounded judge.
"Well. I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the registration office and got in another line. And filled out my forms for another card. And got back in line for my card."
"Yes go on." said the judge.
"And he asked' Can you prove you`re from New York City?' So I stabbed him."