Quarter Jokes / Recent Jokes

What are you nagging me about?" complained the husband. "I was in last night by a quarter of twelve."
"You were not, you liar!" cried the irate wife. "I heard you come in and the clock was striking three."
"Well, stupid," said hubby, "isn't three a quarter of twelve?"

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time. As he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel. This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke. One day as the young man passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him: " Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to let you know that the price of pretzels has increased to 35 cents."

How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor more...

A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into
Heaven?"
The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter
to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after
a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite
enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago, I also
gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to
affirm that it was true.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we
do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

Why did the penny jump off the cliff and not the quarter?
Because the quarter had more cents!

Why did the penny, but not the quarter jump off the cliff?
Because the quarter had more common cents!

Mr. Winterbottom arrived at the airport and spotted a computerized weighing machine in the lobby. Curious he dropped a quarter in the slot and stepped on it as a voice announced. "You are five feet, ten inches tall, weigh 165 pounds, and you are taking a plane to Australia."

Impressed by the machine's accuracy, he tried it again. "You are five feet, ten inches tall," the voice repeated, "Weight 165 pounds, and you are taking a plane to Australia."

The third time he decided to try to fool the machine. He took his suitcase into the men's room and changed into a different coat and tie. Pulling his hat over his ears to hide his face, Winterbottom dropped another quarter into the machine. "You are five feet, ten inches tall, weigh 165 pounds," the voice announced, then added, "and while you were changing your clothes, you missed the plane to Australia."