Quarter Jokes / Recent Jokes

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven? ” The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street. ” Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, “Well, that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven. ” The Lawyer said, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter. ” Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow? ”
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
“Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell. ”

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell." Each man gives a story Three men were standing in line to more...

There were three men flying in a plane. The first man threw a quarter out the window and said, good luck. the second man threw a penny out the window and said, good luck. The third man threw a bomb out the window and said, good luck. The plane landed and the three men got off the plane. The first man walked up to a little girl who was crying and asked her what was wrong. She said"A quarter fell from the sky and hit my cat." The second man walked up to a crying boy and asked what was wrong. The boy replied," A penny fell out of the sky and hit my dog." The third man walked up to a boy who was laughing so hard he was crying and asked what was wrong. The boy laughed and replied," My grandma farted and the house blew up!"

That’s right, I said it. I hate homeless people. I give money to homeless organizations so I don’t have to see these people in my city. They’re annoying. “Give me a quarter, give me a quarter.”
Give me a break. One guy tried to make me feel better. “Give me a quarter, I’m saving up to go to college.” Really? Whattya gonna do, walk into the registrars office at NYU with like ten grand in coins: “Yeah, I’d like to take Econ. 101 and um... a bath?”
CLICK HERE FOR MORE...

A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding
a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts
panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business
suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of
coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down,
neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from
her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store. Reaching
the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's
testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever
so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up
the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's more...

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young lawyer would leave his office building at lunch time and, as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel. This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke. One day as the lawyer passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him,
" Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents."

What's the definition of a quarter tone? A harpist tuning unison strings.