Quarter Jokes

A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true. Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago, I also gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to affirm that it was true.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.
[Another quarter inch doesn't impress most women.]
A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m. p. h.
[Along with everything else in your mouth at the time.]
The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500s.
[That same year men began asking, "Put that on my WHAT?"]
The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B. C.
[Does this explain Crocodile Dung Dee? ]
Watch out for flying hockey pucks - they travel at up to 100 mph.
[Stand clear or you'll get pucked.]
America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.
[3 very lonely men.]
98% of American drivers think they drive better than anyone else.
[The other 2% are NY cab drivers who know better.]
When he's feeling amorous, the male sea otter grabs the female's nose with his teeth.
[When the female feel amorous, she grabs something more...

All those curves, and me with no brakes.
Are your legs tired? You've been running through my mind all day long.
Bond. James Bond.
Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell I just met the girl of my dreams.
Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call your mother and thank her.
Can I buy you a car?
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
Can I flirt with you?
Can I have directions to your heart?
Can I have your phone number? I seem to have lost mine.
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.
Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Do you like apples? How about I take you home and screw the hell out of you, how'd you like them apples?
Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
Do you take it up the ass?
Do you want to go out for a pizza and a screw? What, don't you like pizza?
Forget that. more...

A businessman was talking with his barber, when they both noticed a goofy-looking kid bouncing down the sidewalk.
The barber whispered, "That's Johnnie, one of the stupidest kids you'll ever meet. Here, I'll show you."
"Hey Johnnie! Come here!" yelled the barber.
Johnnie came bouncing over "Hello Sir!"
The barber pulled out a rusty dime and a shiny quarter and told Johnnie he could keep the one of his choice.
Johnnie looked long and hard at the dime and quarter and then quickly snapped the dime from the barber's hand.
The barber looked at the businessman and said, "See, I told you."
After his haircut, the businessman caught up with Johnnie and asked him why he chose the dime.
Johnnie looked at him in the eye and said, "If I take the quarter, the game is over."

Dear Jokers who provide Yo mama jokes,
Please do not post yo mama jokes previously posted in this Joke Page.
It's a waste of your time, our time and bandwith.
Please read the following collection of YO MAMA SO FAT' jokes. Future
jokers, read this and if you can find something new about the fat mama
then submit your joke. (OLD MAMA, TALL MAMA, POOR MAMA etc.
will follow)
YO MAMA IS SO FAT
Yo mama so fat. . . she's fat!
Yo mama so fat God can't lift her spirits!
Yo mama so fat God couldn't light Earth till she moved!
Yo mama so fat God said "Let there be Light", and moved her fat ass.
Yo mama so fat I got rich by making her sit on coal.
Yo mama so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the bitch's good side!
Yo mama so fat I have to roll her over twice to get her on her back.
Yo mama so fat I saw her on top of the Empire State building snatching at airplanes.
Yo mama so fat I'm more...