Quick Jokes / Recent Jokes

Billy was so excited about his first day of school that a few minutes after class started, he realized he had to go to the bathroom. He raised his hand and asked if he could be excused. The teacher gave her approval, but asked that he please be quick.
A few minutes later, Billy returned to class looking embarrassed and desperate. "I can't find it," he told the teacher. The teacher sat Billy down, drew him a diagram to show where to go and asked if he thought he would be able to find it now. He looked at the diagram and told the teacher yes.
Five minutes later, Billy returned and said, "I can't find it." Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who had attended the school for awhile, to help Billy find the bathroom.
Some minutes later, they both returned and sat in their seats. The teacher asked Tommy, "Did you find it?"
Tommy was quick to reply, "Sure, he just had his boxers on backwards."

A man's car broke down in the middle of the Nullarbor plain (in other words: middle of nowhere). There was not another car in sight, so he started walking...
Three hours later no cars had passed and he was getting very, very thirsty. Just then a man riding a kangaroo bounced up.
"Want to buy a tie?" he asked.
"No! Water - quick, help, water."
"Sorry, I've only got ties." and the man and roo bounded off.
Hours later, the stranded man was still staggering along - desperate now for a drink. Another man (and another kangaroo) bounded up to him.
"Water, help I need water." gasped the stranded man.
"Oh, wouldn't you like to buy a tie?" said the mounted man.
"No! Water - quick, help water!"
"Sorry mate, I can do you with a nice polka dot or a paisley or even a hand painted lady - but can't help with water." and off he went.
The man was crawling now, inch by inch he clambered over the more...

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Wellll," he says, in a fine Irish brouge, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him from the Baltimorre Catechism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gentle more...

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV and said to his wife:' 'Quick, bring me a beer before it starts.''

She brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said,' 'Quick, bring me another beer. Its gonna start.''

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said,' 'Quick, another beer before it starts.''

' 'That''s it!'' She blows her top.' 'You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat arse down, don''t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don''t you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?''

The husband gives a big heavy sigh. "It''s started.''

Did you hear about the guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tries the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, etc. and none worked. He was reading the paper one day when he noticed a small ad which read: Lose weight $1. 00 a pound. And it simply listed a telephone number.

Having little to lose the man called the number. A voice on the other end asked,' How much weight do you want to lose?', to which the man responded,' Ten pounds.'. The voice replied,' Very well, put you check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning.'.

About 9: 00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. Here stands a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stateing,' If you catch me you can screw me'. Well the overweight fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally he did catch her and when he was through more...

There one was a heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. One day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read:
Lose weight: Only $1.00 a pound
Call (202) 555-0238
The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"
The man responded, "Ten pounds."
The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me."
Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, more...

Wondering If Windows 95 Will Live Long and Phosphor
"Sulu, set path to the floppy drive. Scotty, fit the hard drive with the Microsoft Windows 95 engine. Chekov, prepare the install disks, we're about to begin a sequel."
"Capitan, Windows 95 doesn't do SQL."
"Right. Then let's see how she performs at task speed. Scotty?"
"Captain, are you surre you want to replace the system? If ye put Windows code into a true 32-bit multitasking environment, we'll risk a matter-antimatter explosion!"
"Scotty, that's an order. "
"Aye, Captain, but she's just not rready. She needs a proper beta shakedown."
"That's what we're doing, Scotty. Chekov, how are those install disks coming?"
"We're on disk 5, sir."
"Good. Spock?"
"Fascinating, Captain. It appears as if Windows 95 is scanning our hardware and mutating to adapt."
"Then, Spock, can you more...